Procrastination and stress

[creative_writer]

I think I may need PRN on a regular basis, I was avoiding increasing the dose of my meds but I am not sure if I have a choice

[creative_writer]

When one PRN isn’t enough, I feel like I need another one. My mind wants a way out. I’m safe for now, though I don’t want to be

[creative_writer]

I think I may just take another PRN because I am thinking of ways now, I'm not sure how much longer I can stay safe. I feel very unsettled, my mind has only known chaos today. I think it's best I took my meds soon and went to bed early because it may be the only way I can remain safe tonight. Resisting is taking too much from me right now

[tyme]

Do you think reaching out to a helpline will be beneficial @creative_writer ?

We are sitting with you. I'm here if you need a chat.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I am feeling the meds starting to kick in. My brain is a mess, I don't even know where to start. There is too much noise, so even if I did reach out, I am out of words. I am starting to feel sleepy, so maybe bed is a better option for now. If I need to talk tomorrow, I can always reach out to a helpline then

[tyme]

Take care @creative_writer . I'll catch you with you another time.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I am feeling better today, still dsregulated. I have been doing a lot of reflection today, I don't even know why I stayed with my therapist for the full 4 years. I've had multiple instances when I felt invalidated. When I was very suicidal, she told me to think about how it would affect others. I mean, who says that? The last straw was when I felt like she indirectly told me that if something affects your ability to function is an overreaction. We were having a conversation about how I felt like I was overreacting, and she said that I would know if something was an overreaction and gave the example of not being able to function. PTSD can be so debilitating that it can be hard to function at times. You can't think yourself out of. I don't want to have to go to a therapist and feel I am overreacting from having diagnosable mental illness. I'm not saying therapy hasn't benefited me, I feel like I got more benefit earlier on in therapy, but then felt like she got used to my story and did not seem as empathetic anymore. She may be a good therapist for others, just not for me right now. Maybe I have blown it out of proportion, I've been told my emotions are too much and not appropriate for situations my entire life. I've tried so hard to make my emotions seem normal, but can't

[Jynx]

Heya @creative_writer just catching up on everything. Wanted to say hi as well, see how your weekend is going 😊

Also I have thoughts! (But then, when don't I? lol)

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@creative_writer wrote:
@tyme I am feeling better today, still dsregulated. I have been doing a lot of reflection today, I don't even know why I stayed with my therapist for the full 4 years.

I've been told my emotions are too much and not appropriate for situations my entire life. I've tried so hard to make my emotions seem normal, but can't

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On the first point, I just wanted to express some reassurance, because it can be soooo easy to agonise over wondering why - why did I stick with a psych who was invalidating for four years? Why did I think that that was ok? Why did I waste all that time? Etc etc

We're experiential creatures - without having experienced a psych who makes you feel valid and understood, how are you to know that this isn't just the stock standard experience of psychotherapy? We're also lead to believe that psychs are the experts and thus they know better than we do about our minds (such a harmful stereotype). In other words, there's all sorts of reasons why you might have stayed, and none of them are indicators of personal failings.

The second part I quoted up there.... just, holy crap MOOD. But I don't think you've blown anything out of proportion hun. In fact I think you're just.... like me. I had a psych very helpfully explain to me that I have a VERY BIG emotional range, which means my lows are lower, highs are higher, and I have a seemingly out-of-proportional emotional reactivity - i.e. my threshold is lower so I cry/scream/jump for joy a lot quicker over smaller triggers. It sucks that it's most noticeable when my mood is low. Like no one has any issue when I get so excited I scream a lil bit, but my excitement is just cos they have my fav flavour of energy drink in stock. Is that inappropriate? Just sayin..

Also side rant - just who gets to decide that ANY level of human emotion is INAPPROPRIATE...? Sounds a lot like oppression to me....

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it’s not that it didn’t help initially, but after some time it stopped feeling helpful. Maybe she got used to my story and didn’t know what else to do. I have a big emotional range too, probably also related to my ND and BPAD. Many people with NT brains find ND brains difficult to understand. Also social support plays a role, I’m not good at making friends and never have been. I’ve been advised to try to socialise a bit more to improve my mental health. Which I am doing, but it’s a slow process.

I’ve been super angry and agitated lately. I think I’m going to need another PRN, I’m going to talk to my pdoc about the dose increase because the current one isn’t cutting it. PRN might need to be a regular. It’s getting to the point I’m actually thinking of different ways of taking my life. No plan rn, I’m safe, though the emotions are building and boiling. Daylight saving starts tomorrow too, I’m dreading it, my sleep already sucks

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah that's it, a lack of understanding. It just sucks when the lack of understanding leads to things like being told my super normal (for me) and largely harmless behaviour is deemed 'inappropriate'.

Slow process or not, kudos is still owed!! Really proud of you taking those steps outside your comfort zone!! Progress is progress regardless of pace 😊

Yeah sounds like maybe it's needed! I know you're hesitant with PRN... well actually I think 'cautious' is the more apt word here, and understandably so! Better caution than recklessness when we're talking about our neurochems. But also, if it is the difference between functioning and not functioning, definitely worth it imo!

Sorry to hear the SI is coming in hot n heavy, that's rough. Glad you're safe for now hun, let us know if that changes! Anything about the SI that is worth unpacking or chatting about?