@pie
Hello Pie.
Have just been rereading your posts and the responses of others. They reminded of my own experiences with anxiety attacks.
My biggest trigger is overstimulation. I can't do crowds. This ironic since when I was performing I was playing to crowds 10,000 and sometimes more depending on the event.
Even 100 punters in a small room was very crowded.
Up on a stage you are elevated from them And it does'nt touch you. Which is cool.
Between sets though was a problem. Green rooms are few and far between in the music biz so often you took your breaks in the room. Me , I would go sit in my car. It's only today that I have figured out why.
Little public contact. A space that is controllable by me.
I don't do theme parks or exhibitions or even water parks. Shopping centre at rush hour are no option for me.
When the attack begins I jump irritable, and jumpy. If I remain I get frightened and the tremors start. I get physical and verbal tics. sorta like tourettes with the violent movements. Hypervigilance and paranoia are a part of it as well.
So in the end I embarrassed and shameful and very very stressed out. Physically my heart goes nuts. Hi blood pressure, tachicardia. it just horrendous.
And the worst thing? Because I must avoid these circumstances I can't take my 12yo daughter anywhere cool. It's heartbreaking. I feel profound guilt. And to me it's justifiable guilt because
If I was a decent father I'd do these thing for her anyway.
But in the long run, I need to be stable. And available to her. I also don't want to take out my symptoms on her. Which has happened. I've been irritable with her for no reason and that hurts most of all.
So I guess if I'm saying anything. It's take control over what you can reasonably control.Learning what the triggers are takes a long time. With practise you learn what to avoid.
And remember that if you're in a situation you can't contol it's a symptom of what's happened, not the cause.
There's no shame. No guilt. No reason to hurt yourself any more than you are hurt already.
I wish knowledge and peace
Hope endures
Rick
