My special place

[Jynx]

@Snowie 😞 

You gonna be ok hun? 

Many gentle hugs for you 🫂🫂🫂

[Eve7]

So are you @Snowie  catch up tomorrow. Sleep well 🩵

[Snowie]

Saw my psych this morning.

She said she can't help me unless I help myself.

That I need to tell h more

That things won't improve unless I put in the effort

😔😔

I know she is a trained psych, but I really don't think she realises how much of everyday is a struggle. That my best just isn't good enough. That I'm not good enough. That I'm not strong enough to do this.

She asked if I would be safe today. Told her probably no.

[rav3n]

hey @Snowie i hear that this morning's psych session was a tough one. i know that talking about those heavy feelings and being honest about those everyday struggles to your psych can be difficult. she might not know the whole picture, but that doesn't mean you're not 'good enough or strong enough'. 

your psych encouraging you to tell H more seems like she just wants you to stay safe and supported at home. maybe it doesn't feel like that right now, maybe it feels hard to talk to H about all this. but you can do it. you've done it before, and you can do it now too. what's a lil step you can take today in opening up to H?

also you mentioned you might not be able to stay safe tonight, do you think its time to call SCBS? is H coming home soon?

i've seen how hard you've been working on yourself, i know its not easy at all. you know more than your psych that you've been trying your best. and trying takes strength. i'm here for you.

[Snowie]

There is a lot of shame and guilt associated with talking to h @rav3n 

A lot of things not said.

H is home. Just out of it atm.

I spoke to scbs before. All they did was ask questions about my safety.

[rav3n]

@Snowie is the shame/guilt in opening up to H because of his reactions or something you feel internally for yourself? 

good to hear H is home. 

and i'm sorry that you didn't really get what you wanted out of that scbs call - how do you feel about journalling now instead? think of it like a conversation with your book - there's some great journalling prompts here: Journaling your thoughts & feelings might to scroll down for some questions. and once you're done journalling, you can either give it to H to read (if you feel up for it), or throw it in the bin.

[Snowie]

It's something internally @rav3n and cuts so deep within me.

I've got a journal that I write in. I'm not sure I would allow H to read it. There is mention sh and si in it and what I've done.

It's still affecting me now. I guess a least it calmed me down a bit. I probably should have called someone earlier.

[Snowie]

Don't worry 

I don't want to talk to me either

[rav3n]

hey @Snowie haven't forgotten about you, i was on a meal break & now catching up my apologies!!

that internal shame/guilt can be quite strong and hard to challenge - but it is very possible to change. i know there's been plenty of times i've felt like a burden for opening up and sharing those darker feelings/thoughts with my loved ones, but at the end of the day they did need to know and it was like lifting off half a mask i'd been wearing. you deserve to be able to lift of that mask with H too. 

i do recall you mentioning you had that journal - totally up to you if you feel ready to show him or not. but i do think letting him read it would be a really good start. maybe even asking him to read it when you're asleep / not in front of you might make it a lil easier? 

[Snowie]

@rav3n its not you

sorry if it came across that way.

Content/trigger warning

How can I tell him I don;t want to be here anymore. How selfish am I that I choose that over my family. That the pain I have can't be describe in words