My special place

[rav3n]

hey @Snowie i can hear how overwhelming those thoughts are right now, i'm sitting with you 💙

if you want to chat about it (or chat about something else), i'm here to listen. 

sending you gentle hugs.

[Eve7]

I’m sorry @Snowie  and I wish I could say something helpful but I’m here sitting with you. 🩵

[Snowie]

Thanks @rav3n @Eve7 

I'm under my weighted blanket unable to move.

I've spent so much energy trying to keep it together, trying to stop myself.

I've already given in (am safe)

[Eve7]

Squishy hugs for you @Snowie 

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[rav3n]

glad to hear you're safe @Snowie i know you're trying your best, and i imagine there's a mix of emotions you may be feeling. just know that we're here, no matter what. hope the weighted blanket helps, take your time 💙

[Snowie]

I think the doctor today knew something was wrong but didn't probe me @rav3n I probably wouldn't have said anything anyway. I didn't want to think of what they'd do.

I don't want to feel emotions, I just want to be numb. I can't get up. Scared of what I'd do.

[rav3n]

i hear that @Snowie i can understand why you weren't ready to open up. for now, staying safe is what's important, and if that means staying under the weighted blanket, then that's totally okay. 

[Snowie]

If I'm truthful then my pdoc would probably suggest an inpatient stay @rav3n and more ect. 

I can't do that with mum. Yes she can go into respite but we still are waiting to get her assessed so she can be approved for respite. You can't just ring a nursing home and book them in. It is so much more complicated than that.

I'm still waiting for my pdoc to ring me, after my gp got into contact with him.

I'm sorry, everything is just pouring out tonight. I just don't want to live this life.

[rav3n]

seems like being admitted/doing more ect could help you @Snowie but i can see that looking after mum and your family is impacting that decision. 

i'm so sorry that you've been put in a tricky spot. i do understand you don't want to burden anyone, but you deserve to be heard too. you're always looking after others, and you deserve that same treatment. would you feel comfy maybe chatting to H about a bit of what's been going on? doesn't have to be the whole thing, just so he can be there for you tonight.

that's totally okay, i'm glad you're able to chat here. this is your space. i wish i had the right words to say, i'm sorry those thoughts are popping up. i've had them too, you're not alone. 

[Snowie]

It puts so much more pressure on H when I go in @rav3n 

I know he says he doesn't mind, but it makes me feel bad. Plus if I go in, then that would be the first time since mum got diagnosed and had her license taken away. I don't think she would cope.

I've already said a bit to H. He knows things aren't good because I've been under my blanket since we got home. At least I know I won't do anything with him being here.

No words are needed. You being able to understand means everything.