My special place

[Shaz51]

I do find it hard sometimes most days  @Snowie , @Jynx 

I think expecting the unexpected is important , and than we are surprised 

[Snowie]

It's all this sh*t with my mum @Jynx I have enough of a low opinion of myself and her words just add to the fire. I get told to ignore her, that it's her diagnosis talking, she doesn't really mean it, but when you hear it nearly every day it's hard not to take it personally.

I also get told to put my MH first. That I can't look after her if I'm not well. The pdoc mentioned today another hospital stay if things get worse. How can that happen if I'm the only one that can care for her is me.

Thanks @Shaz51 I just don't know how you do it. When do you get time out?

[Jynx]

@Snowie yeah darlin you're only human, and humans are prone to take on words as truth if we hear them often enough. That's not a personal failing, that's just you being a human who is understandably struggling to cope in an environment that is an ongoing source of distress. 

This might sound harsh but... maybe hospital is what is needed to err, 'brute force' the situational changes required for you to be able to recover? Like yes, your mum deserves care and support, but why does ALL that responsibility fall on your shoulders? "The only one who can care for her is me" sounds like you're stating it as an absolute truth but it's not... Will you let it destroy you before changing things? 

Hugs to you hun, the phrase 'between a rock and a hard place' doesn't seem to cover it, does it? 

🫂🫂🫂

[Snowie]

As much as I don't want to even think "she only has me" I can't see anyone else helping. Her sister lives 8 hours away and my brother is useless, I haven't had contact with him for about 4 years now.

Last time I came out of hospital @Jynx she told me she didn't cope with my being in there.

That weighs heavily. I guess I'm just scared that if I keep going down my pdoc won't give me a choice.

[Snowie]

@Jynx @Shaz51 

Going to head to bed. Thanks for the advice and for the company.

I hope you both have good nights

Hope you get a bit more sleep tonight @Shaz51 

[Jynx]

@Snowie nighty night hun, hope you get some rest. 

A little thought experiment (for whenever you are up to it, but also you can ignore it if you want):

If you were to magically disappear (let's say you got whisked away into a magical fantasy world) tomorrow, what would actually happen with your mum? Like, surely there's SOME service or gov't assistance she would necessarily have to look for? Or would she turn to your siblings and they'd step up because they had to? Would she actually be doomed? Because...I really doubt that she would be. 

Hugs darlin, it's so so hard 🫂

[Shaz51]

Good night @Snowie 

Hope you sleep OK too my friend 🧡 

My mum thought I would be her only carer as I am her only child 

I did for years before she had to be put in hospital care 

Between mum and Mr shaz,  it was getting harder and Mr shaz had been in hospital a few times over this period until mum finally had to get extra help xx

@Jynx 

[tyme]

Catch up with you tomorrow @Snowie 

[Snowie]

@Jynx if I was to just disappear I know she would end up in a nursing home.

My brother wouldn't care for her and I wouldn't want to place that responsibility onto hubby or the kids.

The problem is @Jynx that we are only in the early stages, even though the sign's have been there for over a year. In the last 4 or so months she has gone downhill quite a bit. Aside from me ringing them every month, we have been waiting for about 8 months for the second appt. with the dementia clinic (finally have one mid December) to look at medication, assistance, etc. My aged care are already involved, however we are waiting on another assessment from them too. Like anything to do with government assistance, it all takes time. Get in the queue.

I have also been in contact with Alzheimer's Australia and they even said I'm doing everything I can at the moment. It really is a waiting game.

@Shaz51 I do think my mum just expects it from me, especially since she lives with us too.

I'm in awe of you hon. Looking after your mum, Mr Shaz and also looking after yourself.

@tyme 💗💗

Oh BTW have to take her to an appt. this afternoon that she only told me about on Wed. Lucky I was free!

[Snowie]

Emotionally I am exhausted.

I am so tired of life and everything it throws at you. 

I picked up more meds yesterday which means more prn. Already used them.

I see my psych next week. This is the second last session for the year.

I have no sessions booked in for the new year. I have emailed them and asked if they could book me in. I've had no reply. 

I know my psych is entitled to time off, yet I worry how long she will take off.

Do people just think we magically have a month off from our problems/issues/thoughts/behaviours. That they just go away for the holidays.

Even with putting things in place, it is still not the same as having that one on one appt.