My Mosaic

[Jynx]

Hi @Bow, I can see you're having a rough time tonight. Please know we are here with you, and I really hope you can reach out to someone to talk about things. It's important to connect with others when we are feeling so alone and misunderstood.

[Former-Member]

@Bow sometimes we need to find a 'happy' in the world, grab onto it with all our might, gather more untill we have strength to pull ourself out...  While reading your posts I pictured you being swept along in a fast moving river, you know not where it goes and can't touch the bottom... grabbing hold of the good that you do  have around you (there's always something!) and holding onto it like a great treasure is like grabbing hold of that fallen tree across the river - it will help you pull yourself back to your feet. Look around you, what is the first good thing you notice? Hold on to that thought, tell us of it and why, find another... collect them like helium balloons that will take the weight of life. You are here for a reason that will one day bevoh so ever clear to you 💙

[Emelia8]

Thats beautiful @Former-Member 👍💞

I hope @Bow can take comfort from your wise and comforting words. 💝

Emelia

[Bow]

I’ve taken a bit of a step back this past week, have needed a breather and some time to process where I am at. I haven’t been in the greatest of place and don’t think here is where I am suppose to be when feeling like this. I am mindful at the moment that what I may say or post may not be helpful to others. Sorry if that is the case. 

I had an appointment today with my psychologist, I was very anxious about it as I had not been able to stick to the agreements I had made with her last week. She was very gracious and understanding. She is concerned about me not eating and doesn’t have much experience in this field so has requested that I return to my gp for a chat and referral to some specialised support. She did initially mention that perhaps she was not at all the right person to help me, which to be honest felt shitty and another rejection cause of my stuff ups. But I think she is willing to support and work alongside someone else who specialises in ED if that will work. I’m keen to stay with her cause I waited so long to see her, she is a Christian which is important to me and I feel like I connected with her also. 

So I am back to my gp tomorrow, my psychologist requested I go ASAP like tomorrow. I go to a medical centre and am happy to see a number of docs depending who is available. Issue is the only doctor I have previously seen and who is on tomorrow is the same doctors that disregarded my concerns a couple of weeks ago when asking for help and then I ended up in hospital. I am feeling anxious about going tomorrow, however my psych has said she will call ahead and speak with her before hand, which I am thankful about. I’m also anxious about adding another appointment to my calendar and my family finding out. They don’t know about my eating issues, I have been able to cover it up so far, mostly with lies- which I hate. 

I am very fearful at how quickly this thing has taken hold, but don’t feel like I have any control over it anymore. 

@Former-Member thank you for that lovely word, very prophetic and meant a lot to me. My daughter would be my one ‘happy’. Even though I have had some really challenging times this week in regards to her and some things that she has said to me, she is still my life saver/ protective factor. 

Thats enough for tonight. I’m trying really hard tonight to remain in a state of ok.

[Former-Member]

Good to see you @Bow, I don't get visions / a word for many people but knowing you're Christian explains it. Thank the Lord for it. Amazing how the Holy Spirit moves 🙏
Really hope you can find a specialist to help, and glad your psychologist can work with this and not drop you. I've had psychs drop me for similar reasons, always after I've just started trusting them. I've lost confidence in it all. Maybe you can get those meal replacement shakes for now, so you get some nutrition.
I relate to you limiting time here when fragile. I feel the pain behind the stories, some are too much and I run and hide in my thread again. There's a handful of regulars that help me a lot. Its hard to get the words right so we don't bring the 'heavies' on others. I think K it's important to be honest. I'm struggling with SI with this grief I think but hinting isn't getting noticed, which leaves me alone with it. But I keep telling myself I've come this far. You need to too.
I'm glad your daughter is strong for you, loves you, girls are better at this than men I think, well, maybe not all girls, anyway, our children are blessings. My son doesn't like my company much but I know he loves me. Please join me in praying for his salvation, that he doesn't feel so alone in the world.
Its my dads funeral tomorrow so I'll probably be scarce a while. Life's like that.
God bless Bow ((( 🎀 )))

[Bow]

Hey @Former-Member I will for sure join you in praying for your sons salvation. So hard when our loved ones are not walking with the Lord and in theses days that we find ourselves in I feel the urgency all the more. Will also be praying for you as you prepare for your dads funeral. Please keep yourself safe. Honesty is so important and If your not doing ok it’s important to say so, so that you can get the support that you need and deserve. So please wave the flag if you need to. Do you have supports around you? Someone from church? (Do you have a church home?)

We had our end of year church leaders meeting recently and were all given a journal for words of encouragement- our pastor and pastors wife wrote in it and then we were encouraged to put others words in it. I’m going to write yours in it so that I can remember it and re-read it when needed. 

I’m feeling really anxious this morning about my doctors appointment, I’m really hoping that my psychologist has been able to get hold of the gp and explain what has been happening for me. I’m scared that I will rock up there and she will dismiss me again. Not sure how I will pick myself up from that a second time. 

I went for my morning walk as usual this morning, but I really struggled and felt unwell. Perhaps need to stop, but feel conflicted as it’s so good for my mental health. 

Anyhow, must get my day started. Please look after yourself @Former-Member and be kind to you.

hi there @Emelia8  👋🌸 

[Emelia8]

Hi @Bow 😄🌹

Hope your GP apt goes well. Its good of your psych to phone ahead to hopefully prepare the way for an easier and more understanding process.

I will be thinking of you @Bow . I have an 11am apt myself this morning at the oncologist.

You are in my thoughts too @Former-Member as you prepare for your hero Dad's live streamed funeral service. Keep the faith. 💔

Emelia 🌷

[Bow]

Feeling pretty defeated. Gp was absolutely useless. Not sure where to go now 

[Eve7]

Here for you @Bow 

💜🙏💜