My Mosaic

[Jynx]

I mean be worth just checking if you can swap, right? Cos a mismatched psych is only gonna slow your progress @Bow 

[Bow]

@Jynx  I seen my psych this morning, was kinda hoping they would call and cancel, but no. She jumped straight into doing chair work about what happened last week. I was not at all prepared for that…. Or even anticipated that that is where she would go today. If I was gonna have to talk about it I just wanted to talk. No getting up and moving from chair to chair and talking from that point of view. It was hard. Painful. And I did not like it. 
I had also kinda decided that if I was gonna be seeing her today that I did not really want to bring up the phone call cause I did not want her backing up that staff member cause they are on the same team. I did not want her saying that I should have spoken up, that I should have called or reached out before doing what I did. But the conversation and chair work lead down that directions so I didn’t have much choice but to talk about it. 

she said that there ‘was talk’ of moving to weekly appointments while I am continuing with schema group so that I have plenty of time to do that work. So that’s happening. 

but I did talk with my SW after groups this afternoon and she has encouraged me too to ask if there is any chance of changing psychs. I really don’t know if it will be possible, but I guess I should some how work up the courage to ask. 
My SW also read the letter, and she said it sounded good 👍 

[Jynx]

@Bow oh that's a big yikes. Does she ever check in first, like 'How would you feel about some chair work today?' or is it just straight into it, 'Okay we're doing chair work today'...?

I think the key thing that sounds like it is missing is the degree of trust required to be able to tell your psych what's what. To be able to say 'no, that doesn't work for me' or 'I think you're actually wrong about that'. If we can't say no, if we can't have some degree of control (and even just having y'know, basic input into our own recovery), then there's always gonna be this power imbalance, where the psych is positioned as the One In Charge who Knows What's Best as opposed to it being a more collaborative partnership.

I like your SW! 😉 Maybe she can help you in navigating the ever tiresome find-a-new-psych-process?

[Bow]

Yeah she kinda checks in with me a bit @Jynx  like I sat down today and she was like I can see a lot has happened recently. She asked how I was feeling about it all and I could not really find any words… so sat quietly for a moment and then said ‘ I don’t know’. I was so anxious and hesitant going into this appointment, i know it’s always a difficult conversation following what happened and to be going into this conversation with someone you don’t fully trust and don’t fully feel comfortable with, it’s hard. It’s hard to prepare. It’s hard to know what I will end up feeling comfortable sharing and how vulnerable I want to be. Urgh. It’s sucks. It’s shit. 
Cause I said ‘I don’t know’, she then jumped in and said, ‘well I was thinking we could do some chair work….’ and she had prepared cause she bought in a few more chairs than there are normally in there. 

it’s just the warmth and compassion that I miss. She’s like very professional. Very proper. There is no casualness to her. No… I don’t know relatability? 
I definitely have a wall up with her still. I never let her fully in. 
your cool.. can you be my psych?!!

My SW is tots amazing! She took time to talk with me after group today for a bit. I go straight from my psych appointment to groups, so I usually rock up pretty drained and not in a good state. 
But she actually asked today whether I had thought of going private. I told her it’s just not in my budget. She then mentioned NDIS. It’s come up a few times. I don’t know whether I would qualify though. But she said that it would cover a psych. 

[Jynx]

@Bow Mm sounds very much like she has her idea of what the therapy should look like, and doesn't actually seem to care about what it should look like for you.

Ahaha you're sweet, and were I actually practicing, and a psychologist, in a heartbeat! But I mean, that might be something to look for when seeking a new psych? That you don't want the stiff upper lip, formal approach, you'd prefer someone more casual and relaxed!! I'm the same, honestly. Who said therapy had to be serious all the time?

Yeah NDIS would definitely be something to look into! Actually I'm surprised you aren't already on it, I reckon your psychosocial disability is certainly impactful enough. And then you'd get psych, plus a bunch of other stuff that might end up being super game-changing!

[Bow]

Well I hit send on the email @Jynx  sent that email through to patient liaison officer. Hope I ended it correctly! 

yeah, I feel like since I started this schema stuff that she’s even put the pressure on herself that this is what we are suppose to be doing in private therapy. Which is correct, there kinda is this expectation that the group facilitators email the individual therapists and keep them up to date on what we are doing… in brief. And yeah, to follow up more with individual therapist to work on the deeper stuff. She admitted that she didn’t know much about schema. And I feel like that’s all I’m allowed to do now, when in reality there is so much more going on too, but I’m not really allowed to talk about it. 

I wanna be allowed to be a person besides this therapy stuff. Like I use to share my art with my old psych, she showed interest and had conversations about parenting and stuff. Like she was a person too. Conversation would follow us out the door and up the corridor. I wouldn’t simply be shown the door, see ya next time. Sometimes you stand and talk for a bit more. 

anyways. I’ll try and ask about changing. And then also maybe I can work with my SW with an app for NDIS. That honestly feels like a nightmare though. And I don’t wanna loose my SW or my dietitian. I really just want a better psych. And yeah probably some other helpful supports available too. 

[Jynx]

@Bow woohoo! You did the thing!! Proud of ya 💜

See... this?

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@Bow wrote:

...but I’m not really allowed to talk about it. 

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Even just that sentence gives me the heebie jeebies! Like if you and your psych both agreed that not talking about it, that'd be all well n good. But it almost sounds like you are feeling like a naughty child getting chastised whenever you see this psych!

And yeah, being a person outside of all this therapy stuff is sooooo important. That is exactly what we want to be working towards!! I hope your search for some change is fruitful, you definitely deserve to find a psych who is actually going to help you feel safe, and help you make progress 🤞

[Bow]

Thanks for listening @Jynx  and for holding this space for me. For helping me with the rest of the words for this letter and everything else ya do around here, ya always go above and beyond. Your a gem and I hope them sane folks know how much your appreciated. Squishy hug for ya incoming 

[Jynx]

@Bow aww you're so sweet!! I always just feel so lucky to be part of such an incredible community!!

Squishy hug received! And returning in 3....2....1....🫂😍

[tyme]

Heya @Bow !

How are you!

I just read about D and the markets because she gets the ipad lol!

Kids these days. 

I heard about new social media restrictions coming in... sooo grateful for even this small measure they are implementing.