I can’t cope

[Paperdaisy]

@Captain24 I just want to give you a huge heart 💖 Warmed my heart so much to read this. Isn't it so lovely to be able to support other people. You've done so well to give hope to that person when as you've said you're not in a great place yourself. I hope you can take a moment to appreciate the volume of what you've done for that person and it was so lovely they felt safe enough to open up to you. 😊🤗

[Captain24]

I’m struggling with late afternoon and nights. 

Last night I had a meltdown on the way to work. It was dark and I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I was worried about how I would get through the shift. It was so hard. About 2am I was in a really dark place and just wanted to go home but I stuck it out. It was safer than driving home. 

I’ve woken up 2 hrs early today which is going to make tonight a long night. Ive stayed in bed trying for more sleep, now I’ve just given up. But I haven’t woken up in a good place. 

Im starting to dread afternoons and nights because I can’t stop myself from ending up in the same place. I thought maybe it would be different with my day starting now but it isn’t. 

At least some mornings I am actually ok so I have something to look forward to. Not everyday is all dark anymore. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 !

Good to hear from you. You managed your night shifts - well done. 

I find shift work incredibly challenging for the body to adjust to. Let alone your long hours. This could be what is adding to your difficulties.

Switching from 12hr early shifts to afternoon night shifts would stretch the body clock to the limit.

But while you are happy with your job, I guess you have to accept it for what it is.

Mind a cuppa tonight? I seem to need one 🙂

tyme

[Captain24]

Hi @tyme 

I’ve just finished now and on the way home. It was actually a good night! 

Will be up for a cuppa tonight after I get some sleep

[Former-Member]

Hi @Captain24, well done for reaching out and for being proactive to keep yourself safe. I'm sorry to hear how hard things are tonight. I am also sending you a quick email.

[Captain24]

Yesterday was really bad all it took was a couple of comments from my family to send me into a massive downward spiral. Last night was a real struggle. I was scared about where I was and what I was thinking. 

I’ve only just gotten out of bed today and I’m still in a bad place.

I was starting to feel ok and that maybe I could beat this. I had some hope.

Now that I’ve hit rock bottom again I’ve lost all hope. I don’t want to be back here again. I’m scared that I have to start climbing my way out of this again. It was so hard and I don’t know if I have the strength to start again.

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @Captain24 

I'm so sorry to hear how tough it has been. Family can be really triggering and it is so hard to finally feel that sense of hope and then have it go away.

It can be a really scary thing, that 'rock bottom' feeling. The good news is that you have already started your journey upwards by getting out of bed and being able to reach out here today, when maybe it would have been easier not to. Perhaps that hopeful part of you is still there, even just a little bit. You've had a difficult night last night and it is totally understandable to not be feeling 100% right now. I hope you are able to do something today that helps restore that sense of hope, or allows you to 'fill your cup' a little bit after a really hard time.

Take good care of yourself today 💛

[Captain24]

I went back to bed as I didn’t know what else to do. I got up 2 hrs ago and walked the dog, she enjoyed it, but I can’t shake that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m back where I started.

I so just wish it would all end. 

What did I do wrong to fall all the way back down again? Do I just deserve to be back here? Am I not worthy of getting better? Was I not trying hard enough? Am I just not good enough?

I was starting to see the light and while life at most times was still dark the darkness wasn’t near as bad. I had enjoyable moments and moments where I was actually proud of myself. I had hope. 

I am guttered. 

Sorry I just needed to get this out before I loss my mind completely and have no where else to turn.

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

I’ll sit with you for a cuppa. Can you prepare one for us both? I’ve just got some admin work to do, and I’ll be right over!

We can discuss your week when I pop back in. Tag me when you’re ready.

tyme