I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I wrote a massive post yesterday morning of all my feelings. I can’t drop anchor and go through them again. @rav3n. I’ve got a vulnerability hangover from posting it and feel very open and raw. I don’t want to delve into it again. It’s the most I’ve ever said about how I feel, I haven’t even given my psych that much. 

It’s about how to stop feeling like a failure when you can clean your house and stuff. Just do what you can. 

My psych appointment won’t be long enough. We haven’t seen each other for 8 weeks. So there is a lot to go through. 

[AuntGlow]

I am excited to hear how your psych appointment goes!! @Captain24 I think your plan of going to the beach to ground and unwind is a really wonderful way to nurture yourself right now. Will that be before or after your appointment?

I can see you definitely have a big week ahead... though, I like to think that doesn't mean you can't hold space for moments that are just for you. If your brain is anything like mine (and I think it is), then small moments may not seem like 'enough', but they absolutely accumulate and contribute to a sense of grounding, connection, and joy over time. I don't know if you saw my examples of  the 'one small promise a day' idea, but I get the sense it could be helpful for you at the moment? I will do it with you. 💖

I will have a proper read as soon as I can, okay?

Aw thank you, onto the next assessment this week!

[Captain24]

Hopefully it goes well. I’ve just written some notes. @AuntGlow depending on the traffic on my way there I may have a little time before but I plan on having lunch on the beach after. Hopefully it pulls me back together enough to cope with peak hour traffic through Sydney. 

Small moments really don’t seem to count. It really doesn’t make a change. There really isn’t much time to fit anything in. I did see your small promises. Anything I think of involves me doing stuff. Like a clean kitchen everyday. Mow the lawn so my yard looks ok oh and snake free. I don’t really have anything for myself. 

If you don’t have time please don’t worry about it. It really doesn’t matter. I thought about deleting it but I think it makes me not feel the need to write it again. Plus it doesn’t really matter as I won’t be writing anything like that again. 

I hope you are able to plan for your assessment this week

[EternalFlower]

@Captain24 i feel like ur being really hard on  urself.

it seems to me the mods here are very committed to u and have chosen to support u.

they don't do that with eveyone by any means.

i get that u feel hurt and alone 😞 i am sorry its so hard right now. Hope u are hanging in there.

[EternalFlower]

@Captain24 i saw my psych today, it went horrible and i quit. So i dont know why i'm sharing that except to show solidarity. I hope ur session went better than mine! i know the vulnerability feeling on the forums - we don't really know who is reading or around and sometimes it can be like ohmigosh what did i say - but i think most of the ppl here being peers, some of us are also have a hard time, so rather than judge one person sharing, we might even be experiencing similar in our own journey.

the moderation side of things can be a bit scary for me - as i guess in whatever way there is a power balance, so i don't see them as equals to me - or peers. That said, i can see some people like jynx and others who speak with an open heart. each person is just a person, i guess. I hope u are doing okay and there are no snakes. It sounds very rural where you are - are there lots of animals? koalas, kangaroos?

[Captain24]

I’m hanging in @EternalFlower. 

I know I’m lucky with some of the mods. Well a couple of them. Others I don’t see at all. Which is ok. I know I’m far from the only one though. I have had others comment the same thing however it’s quite interesting as they get more support than most. 

That doesn’t sound good. Does that mean you are looking for a new psych or taking a break?

My appointment is tomorrow. Today has been pretty much a bed day. But I didn’t get home from work until 8 this morning. 

Yeah… I don’t know who has read it but that’s ok as I was the one that put it out there. 

I can’t really comment on mods otherwise I’ll get banned. But yea Jynx is awesome to a lot of us. Try are authentically them self

we had a koala at work and had to pull up to get it off the road. There was a koala in town and they are on the outskirts of town. I haven’t seen one though. I had a brown snake in my yard in March. Pretty scary especially with my 2 furbabies. Theres been heaps of browns spotted in my area of town. 

At work I have seen most native animals. Even a dingo. Yes very rural. 

[AuntGlow]

Hey @Captain24, 

I wanted to make sure I read your post before I finished. 🫶

I am so sorry you felt this way... I can hear how deeply impacted you were in that moment. Your heart was so open, you cared, you wanted to make sure people were safe - and in a way, you were shut down. Of course you were feeling hurt and angry. It sounds like this really touched a core part of you that is so tired of having to fight to be heard and supported, a part that needs softness and care... if I could give you a big hug right now, I would. This is so much to go through and I can only imagine how big it felt in your body. 

I am glad you were able to voice your feelings here and that @EternalFlower @TunedIn and @RiverSeal were able to support you more in the moment. 🥰

[EternalFlower]

thanks @AuntGlow for creating support on the forums

hope u and fur babies doing okay @Captain24 

[Captain24]

Thanks for reading @AuntGlow 

It was work that pushed me over the edge. I was already feeling all of that but it just compounded. What I wouldn’t give for a hug! 

I feel like I’m in the verge of a breakdown. I think I just need to stop and take a break but that can’t happen yet. I have to keep pushing myself as I have stuff to do and it has to be done. I guess I’ll have to slow down after my surgery as I think I will have to take it easy for a couple of days. 

Im up and I’m really tired. Not sure that this trip to see my psych is worth it. It feels like way too much today. But if I do t do it now I don’t k ow when I’ll do it. Maybe being out and driving and doing something will be helpful. 

[Captain24]

My babies are going to mum and dad again today do they will be happy. @EternalFlower Mums not really keen on having them again but she will get over it. 

Have you heard from the hospital?