Compassion

[Misty-Mirrors]

Hello Baboo.
I know a person too who behaves like she has DID. I don't know her well.
Misty.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Misty-Mirrors

No I dont believe my mother realised that she did it (playing people off each other) with priests or us or that it was destructive or a sin. I think at first it was just instinct to survive. 

She arrived in Australia with little English, no education and a bit of piano playing.My father was much more philosophical but very isolated .. never knew any family, while she had a big one.

They both had BIG breakdowns after the birth of the 4th child when I was 6. We were left then the welfare got us .. things must have been disintegrating for a while and we lived in a StV charity house ..but it was horrible for her too .. she wondered off with a babe in arms .. was hospitalised and got shock treatment, and never seemed to get over the shame.... very very defensive and surrounded herself with a wall of religion.

As children we competed in giving her the best presents etc but she never really saw us separate people from her as "mother". Nor could she cope with my motherhood .. eg Mother's Day was all about her etc with my children.

She often said she "was trying to row my boat with the oars God gave me". She became a widow with 4 children ... so life was not easy for her..She tried to be a good person in her way and was always talking about forgiveness and love, but rarely able to actually express it, or admit anything on a human level..

She had massive denied anger that she channelled through her music and religion which in some ways was good, or better than just being a nasty person ... but it made the issues harder for us children as we grew and had to deal with normal life events.

I agree about psychiatrists often being compromised in their judgements 

I never had acting lessons .. played bit parts of men in school plays cos I was tall in a girls school.

but son was interested.  He had an unfortunate experience in acting school which contributed to his hospitalisation 18 months ago.  Since then we have both been involved in moved rehearsed readings of Shakespeare. He played many roles and even directed one reading which was good .. as a he had big actor personalities to harmonise and deal with ...He has gained a great deal from it but taking a break and focussing on music for a bit.

There is a psychotherapist David Ransome who has done opera therapy .. getiing people to immerse themselves in particular roles etc .. it would be great if you could go back .. to Nida as the people seemed understanding.

[Misty-Mirrors]

Hello Appleblossom

I have trouble with my phones. Hence my delayed responses.

It sounds like you had a difficult childhood. Firstly loosing your mother to a hospital/asylum. Then learning to cope in an institution.
Both my parents were dysfunctional. Both had little education. Neither knew how to raise children well. At least I had consistency. I had them until I was 18. Then I went interstate (I was I'll already).
It is sad that your father died early. It is difficult to raise children without a husband. It probably was difficult for you. Did you become a surrogate husband?
It sounds like she was not a good grandmother to your children. My paternal grandparents lived in our house. My mother fought with them. She told me not to speak to them. My father didn't interfere.
I am sorry that your son had a breakdown. That must have been difficult for you!
If I get more acting lessons, I will have personal training. I was too selfconschious in the group. It would be expensive .
I think you had a difficult life. It surprises me that you have the confidence and ability to verbalize it. I think it is important to know ourselves .... how we are similar and how we are different to other people.
I wish you a serene and if possible a happy future.
Misty.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @Misty-Mirrors serenity is what I work towards and often get glimpses of ...

Yes I was a bit of a husband in many ways for my mother ...both in setting limits and providing pleasant outings for younger sibs ... so i developed traits of care for vulnerable and strong sense of coping ... but I couldnt keep up the coping when my children were young, when most of the deaths actually occurred.

At the moment I have a fairly good life ... my pain levels are manageable and I have a secure and pleasant little home, little garden, 2 cats, 2 pianos, 2 students, 2 choirs .....I wish my 2 biological children would spend more time with each other and with me ... but that is the collateraal damage.

there is still a lot of loss and I am plagued with intense feelings and self esteem issues and concern to keep things ok for my son.... but now that my medication has kicked in and one of the ladies in one of the choirs is rethinking her responses and starting to be decent to me ... I am not so panicky and thinking I have to withdraw socially again.  It would be a great boon to think I belonged and was appreciated in my choir ... it may actually happen ...

How are you ... do you walk or go out much during the week?

One-to-one lessons can be expensive .. but my son prefers them to counselling ... as they are developing a skill ... he seems to have overcome his feelings about the acting course that went sour for him ... good luck with it and keep posting when you can .. maybe the groups you find will meash for you but it is important to feel you can manage the feelings and not be overwhelmed.

[Misty-Mirrors]

Hello Appleblossom.
I am glad that your life is getting better. When people asked me, "How are you?" I used to say, "Not bad thank you." Now I can usually say, "Alright, thank you."
I am glad you have some things at home to keep yourself busy with.
Most mornings I walk to the shops and have a cup of coffee in a cafe. Afterwards I often have one glass of beer in the hotel.
Mothers usually never stop worrying about their children - no matter how old they are. I don't have any children - but I often worry about my younger sister.
On Saturday I had a "high tea" in the church where I usually go. It cost $40. It was fun.
Misty

[Appleblossom]

Lovely to hear from you @Misty-Mirrors

Ah! the iconic Aussie "Not bad". 

Do you remember people who called everybody "Luv"? At the shops, on public transport ... they seemed everywhere.

Its great to have fun with people you know ... worth spending a little money sometimes ... I am guess "high tea" is more than just a cuppa.

We all develop our regular routines ... I havent had many for a while as my exhusband thought that was an evil conspiracy when woman tried to get their babies to have regular rests ... my kids cant help it they are what they are ... and I am only just being able to limit my sense of being on call.  As my son gradually takes on his independance I will prbably develop my own routines ... but I wont be locked into them ...

Need to take cat to vet today and other jobs while I still can drive ...

[Appleblossom]

My son is a little controlling of my time.  He has just told me I should not be on computer and should be doing my jobs.  God Bless him ...

[Misty-Mirrors]

Hello Appelblossom
I think ladies called other ladies luv, not to men. If they would have, a lot of men would have interpreted it as a come-on!!!!!!! I don't think that was usually the intention!!!!!
Yes, it is good to have some fun. I found that if I tell a mentally I'll person a joke, it has to be short. A lot have a short attention span.
"High tea" is a elaberate lunch. It is an English idea. Restaurants and clubs usually charge $40 to $80 for it. 😞 It is said that your husband didn't let you give your children to other people for minding sometimes. I guess it is very difficult to always be responsible for children. I think it would be exhausting - especially for someone who has problems.
Pets sometimes need money spent on them. But they are usually great company. There was a man who thought he was very powerful. A friend said to him "Try taking away a dog from his master or mistress." (A joke).
I am unusual. I feel energetic in winter. And I eat a lot. In summer I feel weak and I eat little. Most people prefer summer to winter.
I had a blood test recently. The GP didn't phone me yet. I suppose that is a good sign.
On Thursday I am going for a short bushwalk with a friend. I don't get enough exercise. I am 10 kg to heavy.
I like writing poetry and short short stories.
Your son is a bit nasty!
Misty

[Appleblossom]

Oh @Misty-Mirrors you made me laugh about the "luv" word. Thanks.

My son isnt nasty so much as controlling ... we all have anger issues ... control also involves anxiety ...and he has tried to work with his anger ... so I am patient and he has improved a great deal.

I am now more vocal and stand up for myself to him ... but also probably have over compensated too much to him in the past due to my neck and my fear about him being exposed to serious violence at a young age (18months)  and becoming violent like my brother.  That he has espoused pacifist ideals, can have a sense of humour, and mostly works his anger out through music or walking ... and is developing a more considerate and empathetic personal style in the last 18 months since his hospitalisation is very heartening for me to see.... but old habits die hard.

When he joined the choir with me .. he appeared next to me if there was ever a male talking to me .. not that it happened that often.

I am currently witnessing high performing people with big careers in a social situation and watching how they manage their anger and anxiety and power positioning .. it is most interesting... no different from all of us ... hmmm.

Glad you are going bushwalking with a friend .. I have been trying to find people to do that for a long time but it seems hard ... to get a good fit ... I am doing a little more on my own ... I probably carry 30 kg too much weight but am tall  ... but not for a while.

I studied part-time and taught piano part-time but was mostly a stay at home mum ... we paid for some child minding. But "routines" was exhusbands favourite rant at the world and against his mother ... and it started when I took on his daughter at 6 weeks .. I was 26 ... so really a very stupid idea ... I was more intellectual than domestic then ... its reversed now ... Now I know how important establishing routines are for babies and children to thrive ... and everybody really ... but I cant do the standover thing ... I remind ... and walk away.

[Misty-Mirrors]

Hello Appelblossom.
I hope you are well.
It is good that you get on with your son. I am somewhat intolerant. I also get angry sometimes.
I used to go bushwalking on my own. Now I think it is dangerous. When I walk on my own I walk in suburban streets.
I don't have children. I never married. I am not gay. Until ten years ago I didn't get on with women. I had some girlfriends though. The longest was 3 years. I didn't want to marry her. She was a cold fish. At present I date three women. Nobody is special. I have several old men friends. The ones I meet now are usually gay or bisexual. They make advances. I don't like that.
Do you ever travel to Sydney? I have an old friend in Melbourne. Also my brother lives in Melbourne. He is retired. He doesn't have any mental problems but is a psychopath. He doesn't return my phonecalls.
I went to a noodle market on Saturday evening with a friend. The queues were long. I prefer a little more upmarket entertainment.
Today I was anxious. It took me a long time to work out why. I had forgotten to take my morning medication. It is not addictive. If I want to stop taking that medication I have to reduce the dosage slowly.
How are you getting on?
Regards
Misty.