THe decision to take medication

[Crystal]

I have "managed" depression for 16 years - sometime well; sometime not so well.  Several times I have attempted to cease my aniti depression medication and for a range of reason have recomenced.  This weekend I made the decision(yet again) to recomence.  The decision was made knowing that to be "productive" in the workforce (Ie if I want to work & generate an income) and to live with another person (I have a partner of 9 years); to be deemed as "normal" in community ....it meant being on anti depressants - yeh, I know,  lots of plusses; and I know the agrument of ....."it is no different than someone with a broken leg using cruches etc etc"  ....however, I still mourn what will be the loss of my querky self; yes perhap a bit more moodly; but creative, imaginative, self who has fantastic dreams,   I sometime wonder if community really understands our "loss" in order to conform to society expectations of how "normal" people behave.  How I yern for a society where "querky" "odd" different" are considered normal and embassed as part of a health, viberant society.

so back to my drugged, "normal" self

[Ellie]

Yeah, this is a hard one Crystal. I suffer from BPD and although not always depressed, I do often have days of deep depression, which can suddenly turn into a period of anything between dysthymia and euphoria. For a time, I was on a fairly high dose of a popular SNRI anti-depressant and I felt peacefully "out of it" for much of the time. I kind of related to the saying from US psych blogs of feeling like a "Zombie" and yet I could function well enough and hold down a professional position.

During the 12 months I was on it, I lost all interest in my artistic self including the loss of ability to sit down and spontaneously write a short story. My need to pick up my guitar and play (terrible at best) totally disappeared and neither have really returned since I went off the anti-depressants. The big thing I noticed when on them was my almost total inability to cry. That anti-depressant put my emotions on hold for the time I was on them and that hasn't completely resolved either. I really believe that it "re-wired" my brain forever!

I'm now on a mood stabiliser and am supposed to be on an anti-psychotic, but I continue to frustrate the psychs by only ever using it PRN to help me sleep, but you're right and I hear you. General society doens't have a flaming clue how it feels to be reliant on mind altering medication just to appear "normal!"

I wish you all the very best Crystal.

Ellie.

[Ngunjima]

I totally hear you Crystal,

Connecting to our creative and "alive" selves is what makes life meaningful. Medication can help manage our more painful and disruptive symptoms and can be a safety net from the aweful depths of depression, anxiety etc.

However, they can also deprive us of that connection to our sense of being alive and connected to the "joie de vivre" joy of life. 

It is for this reason that  I have recently stopped taking my meds. I feel a lot better in general. More connected to my children, friends, nature, meaning etc. 

It is however opening me to my anxiety, OCD and depression!!

Learning to understand and express my own emotions and sit with intense emotions is part of my journey to stay well off the meds.

It is important for me not to fall into a sense of failure if I do need to go back on meds.

Thanks for Sharing

Jamie

[kato]

@Crystal 

Hi Crystal, this is the tricky question isn't it, the do i/don't i conundrum. I can understand the wanting to not be zoned out, last time i was on meds, i had some different side effects from a lot of different combinations, some would turn me into a complete "zombie" others would make me so hyped up it was like i was taking alot of recreational drugs.... well i sort of was, but the medications made me like it the whole time. The final combo, suppressed all emotion completely, no feelings, no thoughts, just blissfully out of it. I decided just over two years ago that i wanted to feel again, so i slowly weaned off all my meds, the following couple of years i went on a steady decline into getting really quite ill.

So last year when i went to my g.p and got a new psychologist and got a psychiatrist involved i explained to them everything, the different combos that i had tried and the fact i did not want to be a "zombie" again, so we trialled some new and different combinations, thankfully i have found something that works, mixture of anti-depressant, mood stabiliser and anti psychotic, i suffer from bipolar? to be determined, generalised anxiety, bouts of severe depression, and possible something else in the mood disorder catagory? again to be determined.

The trial and error has helped, the combination i am on, altho i do find it suppresses a fair bit of emotion, it hasn't seemed to hinder my creative side.... not that i am overly creative, but i can write my poems, i can still have ideas and thoughts on creative stuff.

From what i have read, taking anti-prychotics every now and then is not a good idea, as it tricks the brain into thinking it needs less chemicals produced, i think that is why your dr is a little frustrated.

Have you had a chat with your specialists, regarding your concerns, and if there is some alternatives that might not close down the creativity side for you?

I found being upfront and straight to the point has helped with my dr's, as i tell them what i don't want to happen, and what i would prefer, it can take some trial and error, with meds, but if you can stick through it, hopefully you can get a nice mixture of creativity and wellness

hope this helps

[Crystal]

Thanks everyone for your comments and support.

AS is often said (written) by contributors - there is somethig special abouth others knowing / understanding what you are feeling in such a non judgemental way.

Kato - yes i have done the trial and error round about - although last time was a couple of years back so you comment is a good prompt to have the conversation again.

I understand there is no right / wrong and each person should be actively encouraged to make decisions and then supported in those decision.

One of my priorities at the moment is to remain in the workforce as I am the principle income earner in the household - this may change in the future which will open up other alternative and options.

I am not in a "bad/black" space ..... just in a sad space (mourning what will be lost at this point in time)

Anyway thanks again to everyone

[ivana]

Crystal-

Do YOU perceive that when you take the antidepressant that your able to be productive in the workplace and have an easier time in your relationship or do you feel it's the same when your not taking the antidepressant?

The decision should come from you,not from pressure to conform to others expectations or misconceptions etc.

Regarding society,its cultural too with some cultures more uptight and some more liberal.
Ie:the "moody artist" persona may be more "acceptable" in some counties than others.
The most important thing to weigh up is whether your symptoms have an effect on your relationships if your not taking the antidepressant.