Second time mum... Second match with anxiety.

[mummyx2]

Hi everyone.
Well, where do I start? Lol
We just had our second child 7 weeks ago and my anxiety has come back in a big way. I am getting panic attacks again and have had two in front of our three year old (I had always tried to shelter her from seeing this).
I
have been diagnosed with somatic symptom disorder and I worry endlessly about serious illness or what I perceive to be a serious illness and sometimes even worry about illnesses that I have found on Dr Google that my doctor hasn't even heard of. I was diagnosed with this type of anxiety after my daughter was born, when at 4 months I was convinced that my daughter had a mental disability and went to doctor after doctor and paediatrician after peadiatrician hoping for someone to take me seriously, which of course no one was because there was nothing wrong with her. I look back and see what a complete crazy woman I was, taking videos and photos and testing my daughter everyday, but you couldn't tell me that back then. I spent the majority of my time on the internet googling symptoms and videos to analyse.

Well, I have started again.... This time focusing on my son! In his short 7 weeks of life he has been to the peadiatrician and the doctors on multiple occasions as I believe that he had a mental retardation also. It seems so real to me and I have even found myself looking at children thinking that my son will never have a normal life like that other child does.
I am obsessed about "milestones", googling them and then constantly "testing" my son throughout the day. First I worried that he wasn't smiling early enough and would miss this milestone and there was something wrong. He then started half smiling yesterday, but in my mind, it's only a half smile, not a big smile and he isn't doing it all the time and sometimes smiles at the wall or door. Today he smiled less than yesterday and I wonder if he has had a regression overnight? I am stuck in this smile milestone vacuum!! !

I feel seeing my psych would be a waste of time as I feel that if he just smiled properly like the YouTube videos then all would be OK!
Are there any other mums like me out there?
What can I do to stop me from being like this? It's driving me crazy and I fear that as with my first child, I'm not enjoying him at all and will look back in three years and think I am a crazy woman again!!
Thanks
Xx

[NikNik]

Hi @mummyx2

Welcome to the Forums and congratulations on your second child 🙂

The good news is that you're noticing your behaviour. It seems like part of you knows this is unreasonable and perhaps you should reach out for help, but another part of you feels like you won't need to do that if your son just hits that milestone of smiling.

I wonder though, even if your son does smile tonight or tomorrow, whether you would then move on to focusing on to the next milestone.

Is there a down side to seeing your psych? At the very least they may be able to work with you on the panic attacks that have come back. Do you have a psychologist you feel comfortable and have a good relationship, with?

Noticing these things is a HUGE and positive step! I hope you're not being too hard on yourself.

[mummyx2]

Thanks so much NikNik. 🙂

I was very quick to pick up on this as I was really trying not to let it affect me like last time, unfortunately it has and now I dont just have one baby to look after I have a baby and a three year old.

As with my eldest, I would worry about something she wasnt doing and when she finally did it, I would always find something else that she wasnt doing yet, I look back at her and she was early with everything and my son is doing things later than her which is increasing my anxiety.  I fear that is exactly what would happen, I would move onto the next milestone, instead of being happy with what he has achieved. 

I think I do need to go back and see the psych, I have been focusing more on the milestone issue than the panic attacks at the moment.  I am getting the buzzing through my body again and a range of other 'physical' symptoms so I think if for nothing else I need to go to alleviate these symotoms.  The extra anxiety is also decreasing milk supply, which is becoming another worry.

I will make an appintment tomorrow and se how quick I can get in.

Thanks for your reply 🙂