Bipolar

[anon123]

I have had bipolar disorder for 8 years and can totally relate to this post. I have more depression than mania and have to take an antidepressant as well as an antipsychotic to manage my symptoms. I had my manic episode only after being put on a common antidepressant. It is often a balancing act to get my medications right so I can live well. I have had to be diligent in seeing my psychiatrist and being self aware. Finding the right psychiatrist who you can relate to and talk to can take time but I believe it is essential for all of us with this mood disorder.

[Former-Member]

Hello,
I have only just been diagnosed with bipolar and I am hoping to find some advise and people to chat to. I feel very alone at the moment and not sure what this all means. I've been severely depressed for nearly a year now. It feels like I hit a wall.
When people are talking about mania - I always had more energy than other people and have worked so hard and made a lot of my career dreams come true - is that a sign for mania? I am still at a loss. I've always been like this, do I really now have to compare myself to other people?
Will my energy in my good times go away when they put me on mood stabilisers? I don't like the depression I'm in, but I always thought I would go back to normal - my normal - eventually. I actually liked being myself.
I'm just very confused at the moment, I am struggling with the feeling that people just want me to comply with what they think is normal. Is that part of the process?
How did you get to understand that this is an illness? Do you miss the person you used to be? Did you feel like nothing was wrong with you?

[anon123]

Hi Flower, I found it took many years to come to terms with the fact that I had an mental illness because I had always held down jobs and achieved academically. Even though there are times when you despair that you will be normal what is normal anyway. I have found it is important to me to understand what I am going through by reading about other experiences in books and online forums. Just because I have a mental illness I believe I can still have dreams and aspirations that I can achieve. It is frightening at first to have a mental illness and it can be a struggle but it is part of what makes me what I am. I am about to join a group program about bipolar disorder so I am always learning and seeking support. I am a bit nervous but I am hopeful that I can learn more.

[wisea]

Hi Anon123. Now with much time and therapy behind me, I often reflect on the resources I have had to develop in order to understand and manage Bipolar. I've had to learn to live in the moment, to trust those around me and to seek help when needed. I've also learnt to reflect on my ups and downs and to counter these accordingly; my psychiatrist said that when I am at either end I need to do the opposite of what I feel, so if manic, and feeling like I could go for a run or go out/stay up all night, I need to use that time to meditate (and I use hypnosis) to calm my mind. When I feel the slightest urge to *just stay in bed* I have to get up and go for a walk or a run - catching the mood as early as possible and countering it. 

I think the ability to reflect has been the greatest attribute I've gained from my lived experience. I wander through life a lot less than those with healthy minds...I hope that makes sense 🙂 

[wisea]

Hi Flower. I see a lot of myself in your post. I had great career success, not recognising that much of this was attributed to my mania. I have learnt through therapy that even though inclined to work at 110% I should really only work at 80%, since at 110% I achieve great things and people around me see that, so what do they do? They give me more to do! - this then can lead to a stress response and spiral into depression quickly, since I become over-worked. 

I'm no longer on medication - I've been off for around 2 years, yet when on mood stabilisers, I felt the pointy ends of both the mania and the depression were calmed, and this allowed me (through therapy) to work on skills to self-manage the pointy ends. Now I'm off, I manage my moods through CBT/ACT tools - these are therapies that might be applied if you seek a psychologist. 

I absolutely miss my mania - the late nights working on creative projects, the thought processes etc. yet in the end I realise that the depressive episode that follows really isn't worth it. 

My mania expanded to running through streets naked, and talking in a language that no-one else could understand. This type of episode, well I never want to return to that, since it took a lot to regain my dignity and self-esteem from. 

I've now formed a solid behavioural routine which is working for me. 

I still believe that my illness is cultural, in the sense that if I were in another culture I would be revered as a Shaman or some such mystic, yet have learnt that these aren't useful thoughts, since I have to put food on the table and raise my young people. Who knows what the future holds. 

Find a great therapist, stick with it even when it kinda hurts...look for changes over time, be kind to yourself and open to a future that looks different than the one you may have come accustomed to. These are just my thoughts, and what has worked for me. 

I share little of my illness publicly, it can be lonely, and I find connection through these sorts of forums, and some close trusted friends. All the best Flower. 

[Former-Member]

Hi Anon,

it is so comforting to know that you still have dreams and aspirations. What kind of group are you joining? Is it online or in person. I think too, that the more I understand about my illness the better I will be able to deal with it in the future. I am too young to give up on my hopes and dreams!

Thank you!

[Former-Member]

Hi Wisea,

thank you so much for your reply. It does give me hope!

How did you adjust your workload, or did you need to adjust your workload at all? When you said, you had a great career, did you do a career change? I do wonder how much impact my work stress has on my health.

It is awesome to know that you're off medication. How long did you stay on medication? I have just started ACT myself and it feels like the right choice for me - I struggled very much with CBT, it spiralled me even more into ruminating.

I take it you cannot just chose to have the "good" mania without the consequences? May I ask you how long you were able to live without psychological help? I'm in my fourties and only in the last year seem like I hit a wall. Thinking back, I probably had some mood issues, but I guess people just put up with it. I love being active and productive though when I am feeling well.

Did you ever fight with the thought, that they (therapists and doctors) just want to make you acceptable for society? I feel like that and wonder, why people cannot just be tolerant. We are getting told to be tolerant and politically correct, so why can I not be accepted the way I am? I have even asked my manager at work that (before being diagnosed bipolar).

Did you ever share your illness at work? I am staying away from this so far, but I will need to see if I have to make adjustments at work, as some of my tasks will definitely have an impact on my wellbeing, like travelling in different time zones and high stress levels.

How long did it take you to find a good therapist? I like my psychologist who does ACT with me, but I "hate" my psychiatrist - I am just looking for a new one. Did you look for a while?

Sorry for asking so many questions, I am just so alone with all my questions at the moment.

[anon123]

Hi Flower, 

The group I found is in person through the Mental Illness Fellowship in my state. I cannot advise on how good they are yet because I haven't started the program. I find that my dreams and aspirations are the things that keep me going and add pleasure to my life. It can be hard to find hope when your feeling depressed and I have found that there are people who doubt you can achieve but I find that I can push through these barriers. I'm not saying I haven't failed at times but often I learn from this experience and give a dream a second go. 

[BipolarMissunde]

Im bipolar - only diagnosed well into my late 20's. It runs in my family but no one would seek treatment the stigma came from my parents.my family is awful and tears me down. I have a great physc that has put me on some good meds and I can cope most days. There are nights I can't sleep like tonight. Days cry my eyes out. Not so manic these days either.

I've been through a huge breakup and about 5 jobs in the last year due to circumstances. I've let go of toxic friendships and lost a lot from the breakup. It's been tough adjusting but I feel I'm getter stronger. At least on these meds I'm not zonked out and can wake if needed. Medication changed my life and I will be on it for the rest of mine and I'm ok with that.

I have no children and fear that depressive states are inevitable and would hate for my children to go through that as I myself went through it as a kid. But if you have the right support anything can be accomplished. I just want to be without an event and back to a happy stage again.

I feel very little joy from things and I know it gets better in time but sometimes it feels like it gets worse. I go to councilling to understand myself and my condition and really struggle when I miss my appointments.

[Bellaswan]

Ive recently been diagnosed with bipolar or rather a mood disorder and being treated for bipolar.
I suffer so many more lows than highs. And when zi do have highs, they might only last a day or so whereas the depression seems to last days, weeks even.
I've been seeing the same psych team for 4 years and we've tried alot of different meds. I feel numb a lot of the time. Neither happy nor sad but then one thing can trigger me and I will lose it. My friends and family try to understand but its super hard for them especially when the moods go from one extreme to another. My best friend will say things like "tone it down a little" and "just chill out". If only it were that simple hey?

I hate the lows. They crush me. I write to distract myself but I also hear voices. Or rather A voice we thought was my inner critic but I just refer to it as the demon. A while ago I could actually picture them and see them ripping my flesh off my bones. I mean I can still picture it. Just not see it anymore. It disturbs me and I never thought that it was a bipolar trait. It is so tiring in my head most of the time.

Sorry. Ive made this about me. Just definitely wanted to let you know you're not alone.