My partner's complex mental health problems have been a consistent backdrop in our relationship since the beginning. It really reached a head when multiple traumatic events all cascaded at once and it made it very tense between us. Our last conversation as a couple was not constructive at all, a lot of feelings were shared from a place of resentment and I deeply regret my part. After living apart for 2 months, she made the decision to separate and we are both making an effort to keep it as amicable and a clean break-off as possible.
I'm very lucky to have a lot of friends who have been there for me. I am quickly realising how weak my capacity to be alone is. The notion of feeling alone like this can be crushing at times and I just feel so lost. I wrestle with thoughts of hoping that she'll change her mind, is she grieving too? I seem to have such a hard time being compassionate to myself. It took 2 weeks but it's only the last few days where the grief has really struck and at times it's really intense. I've heard from literally every person supporting me that it just takes time and it's just so hard to accept. I'm very fortunate to have a counsellor that I have been actively working with.
I just miss her so much. Growing up with a rather dysfunctional family, being with her represented so much stability, safety and love, it makes the loss so profound. In the end, I can't deny that the same issues were repeating themselves over the years, I can't deny the part I played in some of those issues, I can't even deny the incredible hardship and compromise I had to accept in being a partner with someone who struggles as much as she did. In having time to think about what she wanted, she ultimately said that she really wanted to find herself and focus on that. Given our history, she could not truly focus on herself without making sacrifices if we are not decoupled, and I care about her too much to deny her that. I still fought for reconciliation, but in the end her decision didn't budge given her priorities right now and the repeated problems in our history. Our communication had evolved and improved so much over the years but in the end those problems still persisted, rooted in hang-ups that came from both her and myself.
It's such a shame, we had overcome so many hurdles, even a brief period where we had broken up 6 years ago. I believe that I had it in me to do the work and get through this so we could thrive again, I see now that in contrast, she must not have any more to give, not without making sacrifices on working on herself.
Like I said, the grief is starting to settle in, the loneliness, emptiness and anxiety can be crushing sometimes. I am very lucky to have a strong support network, but they can't always be there. I wrestle with hopeful and wishful thoughts of her changing her mind a lot lately, that and wanting reassurance or clarity I'll never get (is she grieving, did she care about me, was I ever a good partner... etc). Even through I never really get a breakthrough, it does help to share.
The last thing I'll say is that it's just so hard to be proud of the work I'm doing, because my inner critic seems to hold the position that "too little too late, it won't bring her back". I know I need to give myself some slack.
