Autism - Repression, shame and embarrassment

[chainsawlover]

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed of everything I do. It's like someone's going to punish me for talking about the things I'm passionate about. My family has shamed me and made fun of me and my autistic traits for my whole life. I feel like the black sheep in the family and I hate it I want to die. Not really, it's just ideation. But bc of their treatment of me I can only turn to anonymous blog posts and helpline webchats, I can't confide in my friends.  How can I get rid of the shame and embarrassment and the strong urge to self harm without having to talk to anyone. I just want to be happy.

[Ru-bee]

Hi @chainsawlover 

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been made to feel shame over being passionate. Finding passion for things is such a wonderful thing and something I think should be encouraged. I'm really glad that you've got this space to reach out and share how you're feeling. If you feel up to it, I'd really like to hear about some of the things you're passionate about.

Shame can be a really powerful emotion and can lead to some of the thoughts and feelings that you've expressed here of feeling like an outsider within your family. It tells us not to talk about it, though talking about it (with someone safe) is often the way to lessen it's control. Maybe you're not ready to do that with friends yet, even friends that you trust and who feel safe, and that's okay. Hopefully sharing here and with helpline webchats can be a stepping stone to eventually work up to sharing with others in person. 

I do also want to check in on those self-harm urges that you're experiencing. If you are still having strong urges so self-harm, I really encourage you to reach out for support. I'm hearing that you prefer chat services, you can chat with LifeLine here.