Bpd and Relationships

[toering]

Hi! I’m new, and I don’t really do this kind of thing often but I’ve just been struggling so much with these intense internal feelings. It’s more annoying than it is uncomfortable, which somehow makes me feel even worse. I guess im just venting, but any advice would be appreciated. 

About a month ago, I started seeing someone. I like him quite a bit and we ended up going on a few dates before sort of just ending up in that vague land of monogamous dating but not putting labels onto eachother. I like the pace, but I’m just so utterly crazy. I get like tunnel visions with relationships, it gets to the point where I’ll be spending the majority of the day thinking about him, even in the back of my mind. Im constantly stressed, worried I’m not funny enough, pretty enough, or just I'm not the one for him. And he’s a chill nice guy, which is fun! But when you’ve spent the majority of your past relationships with intense abusive guys and people also love to rush into relationships it’s unsettling to have someone who’s so fine with whatever. I’ve never had a relationship that didn’t immediately devolve into “I love you”s after the first three weeks. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know im not and this is how most healthy adult relationships form but it’s still weird for me. And on top of that I need so much validation I feel like I’m pushing him away. I keep saying things or asking questions like “is everything alright with us?”, etc, and I know it can be annoying and a lot for people. He’s aware I have bpd but I think most people can’t fully grasp what it’s like to date someone with it until they have, and usually then they never want to do it again. I don’t think anyone can really understand what it’s like to have it unless they, well, have it. But I just hope he doesn’t find me annoying, because I know I can be.

I guess I’m just doing my best, and I have noticed progress. I’ll take being annoying over breaking down in tears or becoming passive aggressive every time I sense anything remotely close to disinterest. But I still am scared, and I can’t sleep most nights because I hate being alone right now. All I think about is him and that’s insane of me. Does it get better? Or am I just going to keep reverting to toxic and self destructive patterns? I really want this to work, but I’m afraid the problem might just be me and my brain. Does anyone have experience with this/bpd, and continued to find fulfilling and loving relationships? Do you have any tips? 

sorry for the long rant, I guess I just have alot to say. I keep telling myself if it doesn’t work out this is at least exposure therapy

[Kyle1]

hi there.

What you describe sounds like a lot of new, budding romantic relationships. Atleast, for most people, I believe. 

There's so much to be said for the thoughts and feelings you've shared (and I don't intend to minimise your personal experience) but it all sounds rather common. So, I reckon you ought not stress about that part.

So how do you deal with the anxiety, the excitement, the 2nd guessing of new partnership? 

Well, I'm no dating coach, but in any successful, healthy relationship at all, "communication" is essential...

As to the potential baggage either or both of you may be carrying, I would think it very helpful to be aware of it and, if need be, try find support and resolution with a counsellor or therapist. Whether you have co-depency tendencies, anxious attachment, emotional trauma, or perhaps merely sweet infatuation - talk it out with someone. And again, communicate with transparency and remain your authentic self, as the circumstance may allow. Even with your beau, if comfortable enough. 

I know this is a surface level response, but as in any personal relationship, there is an aweful lot of nuance that can only be navigated in real time by each of you as the pairing unfolds...

Maintaining a degree of independence and a personal life outside of your relationship is also beneficial for all involved...

All the best. Have fun. I hope you both find fulfilment 🙏

[Owlunar2]

Hi @toering 

I haven't got BPD - my son did - many years ago now - and I knew nothing about it then - I do know something now.

We were a household in constant chaos - but hear me now.

I loved him deeply and wonderfully - committed to him from the depths of my soul. To me he was beautiful.

He was really unhappy - he felt he was not good enough - but he was - he tested my love constantly until he died - I still love him.

Try and trust your new friend - don't ask him if everything is all right - until he says otherwise - it is - unless you truly feel this is not for you.

I guess trusting people is hard for you - this is in your thoughts because of some trauma that has caused your BPD - it is terribly hard to live with - I know - and I can't say anything about a partnership - I only know what an adoptive parent felt.

It was love - and I really wish the best for you in this relationship - it seems to be starting well.

All the best

Owlunar

[hanami]

Hi @toering 

I really hope things work out for you. I've been married for 27 years now but when I was dating had the same tendencies as you describe. Always needing validation, being scared, overthinking. I have anxiety and much of it stemmed from my mum giving me silent treatment as a kid. I was always worried she'd abandon me...

It's really hard. I remember telling my now husband at the time, I'm a bit of a clinger. I get very insecure. At least then he sort of understood why I was the way I was! Nowadays I try to get rid of him at the weekends, telling him to go play golf or go for a surf. I'm not the clingy girl I was was haha.

Keep us up to date. I hope we keep seeing you around!

Hanami