Not being able to do anything is hard

[ClockFace]

Im recovering ok, I seemed to be getting better pretty quickly in the 24 hours after surgery. I slept well overnight and had a nap during the day but a bit broken. Once my 24hour driving exclusion expired I drove into town (15/20min either way), needed some drinks (non-alcoholic). Did a job for Dad, which wasnt as simple as expected. But I think a drive in is as far as I can manage for the time being.

My Dad has done a bang up job keeping an eny on me, helping where needed etc. Hes been doing my chores and stuff around the house, even when he doesnt feel well.

My sister wanted stuff brought down and Dad said he was looking after me and couldnt, that was an issue. Then again she tried but I was asleep. Her and I talked and I said Dad was sick but according to her that was an excuse. I said (while driving in) that I would see how I go but since my drive in and out I have told her that I wont be driving down for a few days. Its 45min either way, I might make it one way but not the other. Shes now carrying on about getting a bag packed and having it sent down via taxi.

I had expected that I would be able to potter and do stuff, like tidy at least but I had to open a thing of milk this morning and that was a bit of a challenge. Anything that needs your core/lower back is less than fun, I did learn abruptly there is a reason they say no bending over. I did, to put some stuff in recycling, without thinking, and wow.

Im finding it really hard, I mean for months I have been on the go from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep. I had a couple days break prior to surgery but I still pottered and did my chores. Now I am being forced to stop pretty much altogether. I cant even feed the dogs or put empty bottles away. Im sitting just watching Dad do stuff.

I have both my Mum and Sister texting me winging about one thing or another, just live with what you got for a day or so. I really dont feel up to playing their games. Like the whole 4 months has been an ordeal but the surgery debacle and now having had it Im feeling quite emotional and I dont know how to deal with that.

Im looking forward to being up and around enough to make a difference but not so much that I am having to go from hospital to hospital

[Blackbird11]

Hello @ClockFace 

Just checking in, how are you doing?

[ClockFace]

Hey @Blackbird11 

Im I dunno, I keep putting one foot in front of another and trying to keep hold of the hope that there is a better day ahead. 

Ive been having scans and stuff, they found a bunch of vertebra have effectively crushed and caused my spine to kink at 40 degrees. I had a bone scan with SPECT today, looking for more bone issues and ruling out cancer. Ive got a bone density scan on Monday to see if my bones have weakened, it can be a side affect of my medication. 

I had an ultrasound today, they are checking into my prostate to make sure that hasnt enlarged. 

I cant see my cardiologist until end of October which sucks. My blood pressure went through the roof and I went into AF. Ambo trip to hospital. 

I didnt know it could happen, but I have an infected tounge and its inflamed. Hurts a fair bit. Using antiseptic wash which is helping but slowly 

I got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabeties a couple days  ago. 

I get boils really regularly, I generally have one or two and  just live with it. Out of the blue I ended  up  with something like 10 primarily on the back of my thighs, so sitting wasnt comfortable at all. So Im on antibiotics for that.

I have a pretty large growth in a pretty sensitive area. I was checked out yesterday and back to ER again today. I have to go to the main ER in the city tomorrow morning for them to remove or drain. Cause of where it is and how its developing etc. a normal doc cant deal with it like normal, I need a surgeon (of course). Where it is means sitting, walking etc is pretty painful. 

Im still struggling with my head randomly feeling like it is spinning, all  wonky, and stuff. No one is sure whats happening there. 

I cant sleep more than a couple hours a night, 3 hours is about the most I get at the moment. I wake up with my head just racing. Like its got an F1 engine, no brakes and crappy steering. 

Im hardy eating. Im keeping up fluids though. I have no appitite and even if I do Im in too much pain or feel too sick to eat most the time. 

Hallucinations are pretty bad, Im having some new psychotic experiences. I flipped out the other day, throwing stuff in bed, scratching at my face and then I just crashed out and slept. I am starting with my new psychitarist on the 28th, it got brought forward a bit which is really good. I sent her an email a couple days ago, I started recently when trying to find a psychologist I could work with. Just outlining my situation, home  life etc. All my conditions and medications. Im hoping she reads it. Will help get us up and running and mean that she understands what Im on about when Im talking because there is so many things going on. 

Then there is all the normal carry on which is my life. I feel like I am essentially going from one appointment, procedure etc to another. My life seems to be pretty well consumed by medical and mental health issues. If I have a procedure tomorrow to deal with this growth it will be my 9th procedure in 9 months. Im really struggling with my depression, SI has been a fair challenge but Im dealing with it. I have had a list of my medications on my  phone for a while for when I go to anything medical, instead of having  to recite my list of meds I just give them my phone. Ive now added a list of my medical and mental issues that are in treatment of which there is 25, which when I realised that made me pretty miserable, that is just insane. Add to this there are 3/4 issues being investigated. 

Its a pretty incredible amount of medical and mental health issues to be facing. While Im struggling, who wouldnt be, even someone without mental health issues would struggle with this amount of crap. So, I know I just unloaded on you and you probably didnt expect that, but in the face of all this, no  matter how much I am struggling, how depressed I get, how miserable I get, I think Im doing well. Despite my pain and everything else, I havent submitted to becoming bitter and hard. I remain polite and nice to people I interact with, the nurses and doctors etc. even when Im not getting the answers I want. I might be changing but I am clinging on to the things that truely make me, me. The things that really matter. 

How are you doing?

[Blackbird11]

@ClockFace Thank you for sharing, it's courageous. You are doing well despite your challenges. You have hope and that is so important, All your issues with the right people can be managed. It's good to hear your mental health appointment has been brought forward. You are doing so well to remain positive. You can contact us by any means on this page...Contact us (sane.org)

I am drawn to share Desiderata with you...Desiderata: Original Text.

I have COVID-19 at the moment, so not feeling great. Lots of rest and recovery. Be kind to yourself, you are important and you matter.

[ClockFace]

@Blackbird11 

Hey, Covid isnt fun at all. Ive had it just the once and that was definately enough. Hope your feeling better soon.

I ended up in the primary ER for the state and had surgery last night on the growth. It was pretty infected and was going quite south when they did finally get to my surgery. I ended up having  like 6-8 bags of IV antibiotics it was hard to keep up. 

Im home now. Feeling a bit off but happy I am home and sorted. Just got to pop back down and pick up my car when Im allowed to drive again.

Keep ur fluids up, hope it passes quickly

[Blackbird11]

Glad to hear you have recovered enough to be back home. Sounds like it was intense. Keep going @ClockFace you got this.

I'm feeling good today, thinking the worst of it is over. Thanks for your encouragement 🙂