Tired Husband/Dad

[Tartis]

Hi there, 

I've never used one of these discussion forums before, so bear with me if you can. I am looking for some kind of help with my partner. We've been together for almost 4 years now, and have a 2 year old boy. 

Ever since I have been with my partner, she has battled with depression, anxiety and insomnia. No one can tell me if it's the depression and anxiety that causes the insomnia or if it's vice versa. She has battled these illness' for nearly 20 years and hasn't been able to find a solution. When our son arrived 2 years, she went through a bout of PND that was very serve and ended up with her having to be admitted to hospital for almost 3 months.

Since we've been together I have tried to help find a solution for the insomnia, as she places a great emphasis on the belief that if she can get sleep the other illness’ should be easier to manage. As long as I have known here, she has always used medication as a way to regulate her sleep. Mostly it has been anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and the occasional use of benzodiazepines.  

Over the past few months, her sleep has been on the decline again with a good night’s sleep now considered 3 hours of sleep. A considerable amount of money and effort has been put into trying to find a solution. Everything from sleep clinics, electronic stimulus machines, and natural therapies have been tried and used to no avail. It’s even reaching the point where the benzodiazepines are not evening allowing to her to get a nights’ sleep.

I know that when I entered into this relationship that it was never going to be easy, but it’s now starting to take a toll on me. I work a rotating shift roster of both day and night shifts and I am gone from the home up to 14 hours at a time. I am finding hard to be there and give the support needed to my family as I know that they are doing it tuff at the moment.

I would love people’s input on anything or anyone that may be able to point me in the right direction for either help in getting a fix for the insomnia or some services that can help with getting things done around the home.

Thanks for your time. 

[-karma-]

Welcome Tartis

It sounds like the battle has been long for all involved, and is now taking its toll.

In reality the insomnia and depression/anxiety are most likely intrinsically intertwined, and due to the length of time it may be difficult to separate the two. I agree, her lack of sleep would be contributing to her poor mental health, although I feel this issue is a complex one, given the length of time this has been an issue, and the fact that the medication has become ineffective.

I wonder if a review of her medication would be beneficial in order to review the situation? I'm not sure who is involved her wife's care as you do not mention this?

What I do hear is someone who has become exhausted with the role they are in, and the support they are providing.

I wonder if you would consider some respite for yourself/wife/family?

Speaking to either Carers Victoria, (presuming you are in Victoria),

www.carersvictoria.org.au , 1800 242 6363

or Commonwealth Respite and Carelink Centre, 1800 052 222

should able to assist. I encourage you to speak to them about your situation, and state what support might/would be helpful.

Although I hear the bigger picture, at this point I think without a circuit breaker, it will be difficult to go forward and sustain for the long haul.

Also, if you are in NSW please consider Arafemi's carer helpline, 1800 655 198

or Victoria Mind's carers helpline, 1300 550 265

and have a chat to them.

I invite others to offer suggestions of their own encounters that might assist Tartis.

Tartis, given that you may have tried many things before I have avoided giving too many referral to other services and bombarding you. If there is something that I haven't covered and I can assist with please let me know.

In the meantime I think some R&R, (if at all possible) is on order!

Best wishes

[CherryBomb]

Hi Tartis,

Welcome to the forums. I'm CherryBomb, nice to see you on here

Geees, sleep is difficult enough with a child yet alone chronic insomnia. I am not a psychologist though I do know that sleep disturbance is a symptom of depression and anxiety. And to treat anxiety and depression can involve getting back to basics - a healthy diet, a good sleep routine - to give you healthy body and mind to cope with anxiety and stress. So this is a bit like the chicken and egg problem.

I know that you mentioned that your wife has tried many things but I'm wondering if she has seen a psychologist who specialises in treating depression and/or anxiety? You can search for pscyhologists based on their area of expertise on the APS website. You mentioned that your wife has (since knowing her) that she has always used medication to regulate her sleep. While medication can be very helpful, it focuses on the biological aspect of insomnia. But it can be helpful to consider that there's also psychological, and social processes that can impact on it as well, which a psychologist might be able to help with. 

I think help around the help also sounds like a good idea. I'm not aware of many services that provide this. The only things that springs to mind is the Personal Helpers and Mentors program. Though I don't really know what their eligibility criteria is. But you could possibly get in contact with them and ask, and also enquire for referrals to home assistance services. 

Also, it's important to care for you too. So often we can focus on caring for others that we forget about ourselves. If we tire ourselves out, this cannot only make things difficult for you but also the person you care for. You can start to feel short, resentful, and worn out, and this is on top of your other committment (i.e., work and parenting). So remember to look after you too, and seek support. There's a service that is specifically for carers, ARAFMI, they provide support and information. They might also be able to link in with other support services too that can help out at home. 

Caring for someone with a mental illness can be tough, particularly when it feels like you're getting to a point where you've exhausted options. I think recovery is like a jigsaw puzzle, it can take time to find the piece. This can involve numerous therapies, services, and medication, and then there's also fnding out how all the pieces work together. As a carer, remember that's important to find the balance in your part in the this. Of course, you can support your wife in finding the pieces, but remember that you can't hold all the pieces yourself. 

Take care,

CherryBomb

[JT]

Hi Tartis,

Silly question I know but is she in a negative frame of mind about sleeping and the methods.  Like, when something is tried does she tend to say well it's not going to work so why bother?  I only ask because I have a 16 year old (with depression) who has that attitude and nothing works to make him sleep.  I would love to find the solution to that little problem because in 16 years he's averaged 3 hours a night. 

Seriously though, never ending cycle.  Sleep deprivation can cause depression which can cause insomnia.  Anxiety can cause insomnia.  Sometimes the wrong medication can mess things up.  I was treated for depression for years then I started having panic attacks and they changed me to an anti anxiety medication which calmed me enough to sleep.  A medication review could be beneficial.  

[Hobbit]

Hi Tartis,

Just wondering how you are going. Upon reading this thread, firstly, I really feel for you. Lack of sleep can bring the best of us down, and I can really see how you are trying to hold things together.

Just remember, there are people that can help you, so there is always hope. I think Karma's advice is good, have you considered some respite for yourself and your family?

If you can tell us which state you are in, we can help you contact some relevant services that may be able to assist you in this. Let us know.

[Tartis]

Hello Guys, 

Apologies for the lack of a response, it's part of the problem I have at the moment is that my time is stretched quite thin. With working 12 and half shifts, i just haven't had the time to follow up on the information that has been provided, I basically work, eat and sleep on the days I'm rostered on, but I am very grateful and appreciate the responses. Hopefully with this information I will be able to get some help dealing with all this.

Even with all the practice that I've had dealing with all of this over the years, I still haven't managed to learn how to "effectively" keep things going when my partner gets like this. Just managing to get all the basics done such as cook, clean, look after a 2 year old, and find some way to give the care and attention the she clearly is probably the hardest part. Not to mention, that all care for myself flies out the window. 

I've made touch with my EAP (employee assistant program), who recommended another sleep clinic, but it turned out fruitless as they run courses on things like sleep hygiene etc, which is stuff that we already knew. 

I've managed to get my partner into a psychiatrist and her medication has been changed, although it doesn't seem to be having much of an affect. That said this is the second time her meds have been changed in the last month. Maybe once her system has had time to adjust to the new regiment things will improve. 

I've been on night shift at the moment, but finishing off in the morning (Friday) and will be able to spend some good quality time with my family. 

Again, I really appreciate that comments and the information that has been forthcoming. Even just have a place to get some of this out of my head has been very beneficial. 

Cheers.

Oh, to answer your question Hobbit, I'm in Perth WA. 

[Hobbit]

Hi Tartis,

I think you should consider making a quick call to ARAFMI Western Australia. Freecall: 1800 811 747
Phone  9427-7100. They are the peak carers organisation in WA, and can offer support and counseeling, respite, and referrals to other organisations where required.

Hobbit

[Hobbit]

Hi Tartis,

Wondering if you managed to call ARAFMI WA, or connect with anyone else?

Let us know how you are doing.

Hobbit.

[NikNik]

Hi @Tartis 

Just a quick note to let you know tomorrow night (Tues 20th), we will be running a topic about respite.

I would love for you to attend, whether it be to ask questions or if you have your own experiences with respite that you'd like to share.

It starts at 7pm AEDT.

You can find the discussion here

Hope to see you there

Nik

[Baboo]

What a good topic,

Ive had a lot of people ask me before what respite is before. Ill be looking forward on reading this tomorrow 🙂

Baboo