Not sure what to do

[merrell]

I'm 29 and looking after my partner who is 30 and has depression and BPD. After recent events they have told me things like that I'm not really listening to them and also and I don't pay enough attention in certain areas of our relationship. I try my hardest to be there for them and always if they need anything I'm quick to help them. But recently after taking a day off and driving for hours to see a doctor to help with her pain then going back and running around at home with them I must of missed something they said because I was concentrating on a task I was doing and Now they have gone in to a state where they will not say a word to me unless they directly need to. Has anyone else dealt with this and how do you handle the situation. It's becoming really hard to find reasons to do this everyday In saying that I do love them and it's really hard for ne to just walk away.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @merrell 

Welcome to SANE Forum.

You're certainly not along in what you're going through. The behaviours associated with BPD can create diffulties in relationships. For people with BPD, there can be a strong fear of abandonment, which can contribute to very hot and cold behaviours, where people with BPD can swing from admiring others to feeling resentful of others. This can make it difficult - but not impossible - for people in relationships with people who have BPD.

It's been a little quiet over the past day. So I thought I'd just jump in here to link you in with some people who have experienced a similar situation to you. Hopefully, they can provide you with some insight into how they have managed their relationships.

@BananaHammock has had a relationship with someone who has BPD. You can read more about it in this post here, which you might like to contribute to as well.

@Kiera80 has a sibling with BPD, and has experienced diffiiculties about knowing when and if to walk away, you can read her post, 'Thinking of throwing in the towel and walking away'

And lastly @Valda and @Leigh are parents who care for adult children with BPD. You can view Valda's post here, and Leigh's post here.

Feel free to contribute to any of the discussion I've listed to connect with these members. Perhaps they may be able to contribute something to your thread too.

There's also this radio segment from the ABC Nation that @NikNik posted, which you might find useful.

Hope this helps.

CB

[annie1268]

Hi i have experienced exactly that with daughter who has BPD i use to get quite confused with the accusations and wrack my brain on whyi forgot or how i did something wrong  untill i thought. well you know what , ive done 20+things right for you today and you have honed in on one imperfection so you know what im going to own my inperfection and i hope you can forgive as well because neither of us are perfect and i would hope we loved  to forgive each others imperfections as well..

Ihave had to tell her im going to make mistakes every day just like every human on this earth so you can accept me or not , your choice..I have learnt that i am not responsible for her happiness,i am not going to be held to randsom every day to keep her calm, i will not tollerate her abuse i will walk away, BPD (Boundries Pushed Daily)  things are improving but when i allowed the behaviour she would then feel guilty about how she had treated me and the bad thoughts all flared up again then the rage demands and accusations guilt  full circle..by telling her my expectations for my self and sticking to it i will always be there to support her but i will not take abuse i am gaining a lot more respect from her and self respect again, its been a long road and were not finished by along shot but were on the road together 

[Kiera80]

Good morning @merrell and @CherryBomb 

I have found that communication with my sibling who has BPD can be quite a challenge.  I find my sibling quite regularly will talk and then presume that I have heard every word.  To be honest, most of the time I tune out to the endless chatter and I definately am not paying attention when I am focused on something I am doing.  You can't be a radar and pick up on every little thing that's going on around you.

My sibling sometimes also believes that they have told me something when they haven't and then when I say I don't know what you're talking about I cop a mouth full for not listening.

So, to try to fix the problem I have told my sibling time and time again that if there is something they want to say to me they have to come to me and talk to me face to face. 

My sibling also has the bad habit of yelling things to me from another room and I absolutely cannot stand that.  Firstly I don't like to be yelled at and second, it's a very bad way to try to get my attention.  I confronted my sibling just last week over this.

If you want to stop them accusing you of not listening then I advise putting a rule like this into place.  It lets them be heard and you get a chance to take in what they have to say.

If your partner won't talk to you at the moment then just let it be.  Don't stress over it and don't try to force communication from your side.  This nonsense behaviour will pass.  BPD certainly does cause a jeckyll and hyde type personality at times and is really hard to comprehend.

In regards to your partner telling you that you aren't paying enough attention in certain areas of your relationship you need to confront your partner about this and bring the issues out in the open.   Then you can address them one by one and if you can fix some things that's great but if not then you need to factor that in to how the relationship is travelling.

One thing I can tell you about someone with BPD is that so many molehills appear to be mountains to them.  They live in a very grey world whereas you and I live in a black and white world.  You want to keep things black and white with someone who has BPD.  Make sure you have your boundaries in place.  Keep them focused on a point to be made in a conversation (before they have a chance to lead you up the garden path).  Be as clear as possible about what you want to say so they can't twist things around, then ask them if they understand what you have said.

It is extremely difficult to live with someone who has BPD and the depression doesn't help either. 

Is your partner on medication for the BPD?  Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to get some back up for yourself?

Please keep posting with anything else you want advice on.  I've pretty much seen it all with my sibling, the good, the bad and the extremely ugly.  I hope my post helps you a little bit.

[Valda]

Hi l have a daughter around your age and she has BPD, l can understand abit of what you are going through and think that you are doing your best. My daughter was in a relationship for 3 years and her partner just made things worse, as he thought any type of mental illness is rubbish she is now out of that relationship and doing fine for now. She has met someone and is taking it 1 day at a time, and also is very honest about her BPD, so if you love her and lm sure you do try and be well informed about BPD and read as much as you can to help you in situations as they come up, and always tell her you love her know matter what. 🙂