Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

[parent1]

HI @Raven
Thx so much. I don't really have any questions, other than coping strategies to watch unwise choices that promote disrespect and alienation from others.

[parent1]

Hi @Mosiac
Thankyou

[parent1]

Hi @Altogether
I don't need to know more, and the therapist says we are doing everything right.

My daughters therapist, her father and I are all on the same page and pretty consistent with out philosophy and attitude towards her; and indeed, our responses to her behaviour, lying and manipulation victim mentality etc.

It just drives me nuts watching her her behave in an inappropriate manner and in a way that allows others to mistreat and disrespect her.

As a parent you expect that your children will treat themselves and others with courtesy, honesty and respect; you also assume that they will expect this behaviour in return.

[parent1]

Hi @astrengthinever
Her therapist is very good and I believe gives her very good advice without seeming judgmental, her advice correlates with the way my husband and I approach her.

Sometimes you can't validate ridiculous behaviour.

Sometimes you have to be the voice of reason - my daughter sees this occasionally but can't seem to change.

Managing my daughter's behaviour is up to her; I just find it hard to cope with the decisions she makes.

It's like watching a small child playing and about to fall off the equipment but you can't help them, because they have to learn for themselves - trial and error.

It's that the errors are big ones and have a significant impact on her life.

I think what you said about it taking your daughter a long time to see the effect her behaviour had on her relationships - that is the bit I find really sad, because my child seems overwhelmingly alone and lonely and she can't figure out why or how to change.

Even when she is walked thru step by step action and consequence, she just can't seem to control her behaviour or change it; not sure which it is.

[astrengthinever]

It sounds to me like you are doing an amazing job and all you can do is been done. Your analogy of the small child on the equipment is so spot on... It is so sad to watch and feel so helpless, but know in your heart you are doing everything you possibly can. It sounds so cliche but Try and take time for you, you need to look after yourself as well so that in turn you keep that amazing strength you already have to continue the great job you're doing. 

[parent1]

Haha thx @astrengthinever I don't feel amazing.

I'm not sure if there is a way to talk privately but would you mind sharing how your child is now?

Was there a catalyst for change?

We are from a very small community, so everything she says and does is damaging her reputation, self image - everything.

I just have to keep on being so hard and not indulging my daughters self pitying, self absorbed behaviour; I think she uses self harm as a threat against us too.

Yes, the overwhelming feeling is helplessness.

Thankyou to all for the great feedback.

[astrengthinever]

Unfortunately rules of the forum are anonymity so speaking privately is not an option, however I am happy to chat here anytime I can. My daughter is doing an amazing job and after 3 years of what I can only describe as living hell with self harm, self sabotage etc, admissions in and out of hospital we finally came through (and I say this with great trepidation because I don't want yo jinx it!) the other side. The turning point I feel for her was realizing her issues had a name.BPD. I understand a label is not for everyone and every case is different but for her it was major. With the label came hope. She had no hope before that, but when she knew of other stories of recovery and treatments she found that hope. She then willingly engaged in an intensive DBT program and I actively did some courses on managing strategies for carers of BPD. We still have bad days but she has taken more on board and can often recognize what she does as a symptom of her BPD. I guess there is a bit of maturity on board now as well which also helps. Again though I really don't think we would have got this far without her having hit that rock bottom I spoke about earlier. Every case is different and all I can say is I am incredibly proud of my daughter who faces a struggle everyday but is gutsy enough to continue to face it. I highly recommend a book. Overcoming Borderline personality disorder by Valerie Porr. She gave me great hope and insight into understanding how I could support her. 

[MIFANTCARER]

I agree completely with Mosaic, Orygen (Headspace) is a brilliant service that could help provide more holistic and family support also I would suggest having a few group /family sessions with your daughter and her therapist, with the Privacy and confidentiality act your daughters Therapist can't disclose many details, however a guided group session might help answer questions and look at what support you can put in place to help your daughter and your family to better wellness. Good luck

[Appleblossom]

I also found Orygen helpful .. and inclusive of parent but respectful of young person's confidentiality.  Good luck

[astrengthinever]

Hi parent1 

i notice you've not been on the forum much lately, all though neither have I 😛. Any way I just wanted to touch base again and mention that all though things were going well and I had thought we'd hit rock bottom it appears that the bottom is deeper than I'd realized. After a period of stability she crashed heavily just befor Christmas. I'm not writing this to talk doom and gloom, on the contrary I am writing this to you n the hope things are better for you and to let you know that all though that rock bottom is deeper than I thought, I have come out of it with even greater admiration for my daughter and an even stronger strength of hope that things will improve because again she has shown me what a fighter she us and she has a great determination to continue to seek help. 

I hope things are going well for you and if you too have had a rocky time then I hope that you too have gleaned some positive  from the experience. 

Thinking of you.