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Cinderella83
Contributor

I have BPD - partner ignoring me after fight

So I had a  fight with my partner  I called him to get advice on my kids as they were screaming in the back seat of the car and not listening to me, being very naughty and trying to hurt each other.

 

I wanted to vent about it but he cut into my words and then I complained about it. He denied cutting in and got frustrated with me saying "well if you want advice then let me speak". I tried to tell him "well you shouldn't cut into me then, what's the point of me telling you what's happening if you just cut in, it's very rude!"

 

I yelled this as the kids were screaming so loudly and I couldn't hear him or myself. I then said "there's no point I can't even hear you" and I hung up rudely. I know I was rude but I know he also lied about cutting in. He tends to lie quite a lot actually but that's beside the point. 

 

Anyway he got VERY upset about this and sent me a message saying "don't call me for advice if you won't even hear me out, yell at me and hang up"

(The yelling part was me yelling over the kids screaming which of course could be considered very bad from his side of the phone). 

 

He accidentally sent this message to his female friend. She's been a long standing friend of his and known him for 13 years. She said "this is classic abuse". He then pretty much told her his life story about me, ALL the bad stuff and he even embellished it. He said he might want help to escape me.

 

She said "I HATE HER"

 

"SHE SHOULD TRY HARDER "

 

"SHE CAN'T HURT MY DEAR FRIEND"

 

"THIS IS A VERY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, YOU NEED TO LEAVE

 

She didn't use capital letters but I'm just highlighting this stuff above. 

 

He told her about my bad childhood and didn't support her saying she hated me. He said "awww don't say that". He told her I'm trying and learning slowly but too slow and he's not sure if he can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

 

He let me see all these messages and I cried and got very upset but didn't get angry. I've been trying more since but i think this fight was very small compared to the big ones we have had. I'm scared we will have another big fight and that will be it, especially as now his best friend doesn't like me. Im scared to see her again, I've met her 3 times. I kind of hate her for saying those things though. It will be so awkward meeting her again.

 

That might he acted like an abused child, he curled up in front of the TV and had a scared look. He was overacting J think but maybe he was like that did to our previous fights. Also he'd had quite a few cans of drinks. 

 

Anyway I've been very nice since and sending loving messages and saying sorry etc 

 

NOW my partner is kinda ignoring me and switched off though. He is also not replying to any of the nice messages I sent, even the long ones. He will only send messages that are business like and day to day basic things. 

 

I'm not sure what to do! I feel lonely and bad about myself. I'm confused about what to do going forward. I'm trying to learn some DBT and CBT. I'm listening to videos and reading stuff. I'm using this forum and trying to distract myself. I'm just sad though and feel like I love him and he doesn't love me much anymore. It's hard to tell. 

 

 

4 REPLIES 4

Re: I have BPD - partner ignoring me after fight

Oh dear @Cinderella83 I can imagine that is quite a lot to be going through. Good work reaching out here on the forums.

 

I can't make specific comments about the situation you describe. It sounds like there are many different factors involved. Try to be kind to yourself, you are trying your best.

 

These forums can be a great way to learn & connect with others, who share similar diagnosis, or life situations. I encourage you to keep reading various posts & posting yourself. It can be healing to find out that you are not alone. At the moment, sounds like there is a disconnect between you & hubby. He may feel overwhelmed & unfamiliar with your experience.

 

It also sounds like you are needing his support & experiencing feelings of rejection & isolation, trying to live up to something.

 

You may find that these forums are a useful tool in navigating a more healthy path forward.

 

Kind regards, maddison 

Re: I have BPD - partner ignoring me after fight

I feel, at least a little, outside my expertise looking at your situation, but I wonder if it might be worth talking to https://www.1800respect.org.au/

 

Thing about 1800RESPECT is they're not so much a crisis or a referral service. What they're good at and focused on is the other really important side of helping people coming to terms with what they're dealing with. Like on-hand relational debriefing. At least, that's my understanding. There might be better ways of explaining it. They might be able to help, is what I'm saying.

Re: I have BPD - partner ignoring me after fight

Thank you 🙂

Re: I have BPD - partner ignoring me after fight

It is often difficult for both you @Cinderella83 and your partner.

 

I find that often I forget my contribution to my partner's BPD reactions.  She doesn't acknowledge that she has BPD.  Consequently, she often forgets what she said or did.

 

He hasn't left or taken the action that his friend suggested he needed to do?  Does that give you comfort that he is committed to you?

 

Time may heal things.

 

Hope your day gets better.

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