Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Welcome & getting started

Seclorum
Casual Contributor

Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

Hi all,

I don’t know where to start but I knew from the beginning that she had endured some tragic moments and that she was affected by them. It was not until maybe 10 years later that she was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and through other means diagnosed with also having a borderline condition (this was a few years later) all together we have been sharing our lives about 18 years. We are married and have a 10 year old boy. Every time I have attempted to discuss treatment since about 2016 it has been met with anger, denial and accusations.

looking back, to an ‘incident’ that occurred about that time, I did not connect the dots as they say due to the fact that the borderline diagnosis was still years away.

Today, she officially left ,for the last two + months she has been going through (I believe) an intense episode where she has accused me of many things, some, horrible. I love my wife and have always been mindful of her vulnerabilities, in specific one that keep happening and was most prevalent, trust. There are some other close ones like abandonment and feelings that I wanted or rather I was very controlling.

most suggestions were taken as commands, my opinion always triumph in the end according to her but whenever dissected, that is the situation or ‘topic’ and proof or facts were issued or discussed, they were never challenged, rather, other front opened up, often taking us back to the beginning of our relationship.

 

She has been engaging in risky, impulse behavior with complete defiance and in deference. The pain and heartache is so painful and in as much that I tell myself and know that this is in part her condition/s, I see someone who believes her thoughts and it’s convinced that it is I who needs to change. Because it has not in the most part affected her career and in fact she excels in it she has been able to gather plenty ‘support ‘ to her great demise. (No sarcasm intended)

She speaks of a time-out, an amicable one, but in the meantime her actions are causing so much damage, in particular to our son, whom is very aware and very angry. I have recently re engaged with my psychologist and have spoken to counselors at my sons school for help with further help available if he chooses, I don’t want to make him. We have a very close relationship but I am aware that he may need professional assistance. My family is supportive and in particular one family member who is in the medical community.

In my despair, sometimes I wish that it would happen like in the movies where individuals going through ‘episodes ‘ would be taken, assessed and cured or at least be convinced that they have a problem and that if they want to stop living a tormented life that there is a way, there is help.  That off my chest, I look forward to hear and learn how I could assist this person whom I love so much but have been unable to help all this years. Help.

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

Hi and welcome, @Seclorum ...I'm sorry to hear of your situation 😞

 

I'm not sure I can offer any help myself, but can you post your post on SANE's other forum, the Friends, Family and Carers Forum ? 

 

I'm also going to tag @BPDSurvivor  and @tyme

 

It's good you've engaged with your psychologist and have offered the same to your son.

 

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.
 
I hope you find the forums supportive...

Re: Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

Hi,

Im sorry that you are going through the 'washing machine' that is living with a significant partner who you know has Bipolar/BPD and yet can't reach a state of equilibrium with and for. Ive been on the other side of the equation for a long time. That is I have lived experience of the combination of these conditions. And what I can say is that when I reach a tipping point and the BPD has activated and now I am having a Bipolar episode plus BPD where I am lashing out at my partner and ruining the relationship the hurt is magnified and my ability to bring it all back under control is like standing to one side of myself and saying Hey guys Im really mentally unwell right now and then plunging back into all of the nasty concepts, imaginings, ideas and words - with the mega issues of trust lost and abandonment triggering just going round and round and round. Obviously as the lived experience person I can tell you that the result of pushing the 'normal' partner away and experiencing that is like a validation of everything. 

Im there now again.....and my partner has put in place plans to spend three months away from me overseas to just work and be isolated from the stress of dealing with me like this. And I know that Im unwell. Recently I had some psychology sessions trying to get on top of my BPD but I haven't started re working what I know about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy its like when Im in the high stakes BPD its really hard to get these tool kits into operation. Basically I too could stand in a therapy room and say "Im pushing my partner away with my crazy words and actions" I need to get back on track but it feels better being unpredictable and emotional. Often I have felt that having BPD is like being a 'drama queen' yet it goes beyond the little dramatic reasonings when I just want to know my partner loves me and is there for me to pushing him away big time.

I don't know if this helps you understand BPD ---- it might a little

Anyway what you are going through is very real and believe me it will take a lot of courage to stand apart from the life issues and clearly treat the mental health issues. Yet it can happen. 

BPD/Bipolar people really love having a partner its just that when we are super unwell we can destroy the relationship that actually keeps us well and happy.

Best wishes from someone who has been there and loved and lost.

Re: Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

Hi @Seclorum , @Angeltree  has posted a very helpful post above. I hope you get to read it.

 

I too have been on the other side. That is, one diagnosed with bipolar and BPD. Over time, the bipolar diagnosis fell away and the BPD was amplified.

 

Much of what you are describing @Seclorum  is typical BPD behaviour. For me, i also excelled at my career, but all my relationships were a wreck. I couldn't understand my own actions, let alone expect anyone else to understand me.

 

I think the thing that helped me the most was that people I loved set boundaries. It was certainly hard when I tried to overstep the mark, but to this day, if they had not set those boundaries, I know both would have been burnout.

 

I am happy to hear your son is getting support. It is good to let him know that it is not his mum, but the MH condition that is causing these behaviours.

 

As for control, with my BPD, I often felt out of control. When someone asked me to do something, I'd automatically fly into a rage and try and re-gain control. This can be seen as defiance. But in actual fact, our emotions are so out of control, that we try to do anything that will help us regain control. What I found helpful was the careful rephrasing of commands e.g. would you like to...... Instead of "can we do....". Giving us choice will help with the control part of things.

 

I could go on forever, but I do not want to overwhelm you.

 

Please hold on to her. Underneath all that anger and hurt is a very compassionate, highly sensitive person.

 

At the same time, remember your own self-care.

Re: Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

Thank you @Angeltree , firstly for been so open and for your efforts to try for me to understand this devastating conditions which affects primarily the individual with the condition but invariably those who care and love

for the ‘enduring’ person. 

My biggest hurdle, I think, is that I wish that there was a recognition, acceptance on her behalf that she has this conditions and that,no, I don’t think she’s crazy and it’s not her fault etc and get herself a chance to get help, to equip herself with strategies, tools or what ever is necessary... I have been encouraged by your words and of many other ‘sources’ which indicate that through medication and therapy persons dealing with this very issues can live a more stable life; by no means I assume to know what it’s like but having seen the love of my life in the good and the bad (for lack of better words) I can see her for who she really is, and, as to what she ‘becomes’, it breaks me to feel so impotent, helpless. I say that because I believe in being able to see the world differently, my life has not been a bed of roses and have struggled severely for quite some time (many years) and I have been able to manage my dark clouds/blankets which try to overwhelm me from time to time. 

If I could ask, any ideas how I could help my partner when she’s in probably complete denial of the need for help? 

Thank you once again, best wishes. 

Re: Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

Thank you @ NatureLover,
Your acknowledgment means a lot, like I mention on my post I have nearly been convinced that it was me, but I know reality dictates differently.
As to the @ part, I have to be honest and say I did not understand what you meant, I have re-read it but still did not make sense. I did notice you put at the beginning @ Seclorum , is that what you meant.?
Thank you once again

Re: Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

Thank you @tyme , I did happen to read what @Angeltree so thoughtfully and openly expressed and was encourage by it, likewise, your added tips gives me a greater insight into perhaps how ‘normal’ expressions’ may be taken, understood.. my psychologist has suggested this issue of boundaries but not until this is over, it it can be out that way? I have to admit thatI am almost paranoid of how I phrase things as often, to be more precise more so lately, almost anything is an attack or has an agenda. I am more than happy to hear from you or anyone all that ‘happens’ re: “ I could go on forever” because perhaps understanding the ins & outs may make me a better person, whom maybe able to help, even if it means keeping my mouth shut... if you get what I mean.

i constantly remind her of my love for her and although she feels a certain way I do not feel the same, I try to talk to her more with actions rather than words.

 

once again thank you and I will take on board anything you think may help.

Re: Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

If you develop some short hand body language it can help to flag a discussion that seems disruptive and bring it back to cool down. For example if my partner things I’m monologueing and he needs to have quiet time he signals with his hands in a triangle over his head then I know he wants space to read and think rather than listen to me - it’s my signal to ‘back off’ and rest a while or busy myself or even head out for a walk with the dog.

Re: Bipolar/ Borderline partner episode..

Content/trigger warning
Thank you @Angeltree , this does sounds like a good idea, specially when I myself am uncertain whether to continue or not (conversing) and wonder whether she wants to listen or continue with the conversation ; my psychologist has suggested that at times my partner may be like a five year old , perhaps go back to an earlier trauma.. I must say it’s confusing when there’s no feed back and there’s inconsistencies in the way she ‘operates, that is,  when she doing okay the level of engagement is different but as this condition/s creep in its so subtle that I keep missing the queues.



Thank you  once again for your help and insight.
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance