Lived Experience Forum

[Rubyrose1]

it's a beautiful day here today and I've vacuumed out the house and now I'm sitting on the couch thinking about all the things I should be doing and I can't do any of them.

The past couple of days I have been feeling very unwell with a strained neck and now a migraine that is slowly going but stilling around just to slow me up and mess with my thoughts.  My daughter is in her room with all the curtains draw going who knows what, it is what she does whenever she is home, I hardly ever see her, It's my fault because I'm not worth being around I guess, she never knows what she is going to get it's usually just me sitting on the couch on my laptop not really achieving anything. god, there is so much going on that I want to offload but it's too much to write up on here. 

I feel so guilty that I don't encourage her more to get outside in the sun and do stuff, make friends, go for a walk but even if I did she wouldn't want to anyway because she is scared of people seeing her it seems, I feel like I have been a horrible role model with her seeing me when the depression gets really bad. Some times I feel like its the medication I'm on that's doing this and the fact that my doctors don't seem to be overly interested in helping me, I feel stuck in this horrible existence I want to be the person I am in my head but my thoughts stop me from acting, it's fear but I don't know what I'm afraid of.

I was telling my BF yesterday that I need to learn to like myself and that I've been reading a book that has opened my eyes to this fact and while reading the book it seems very simple but today just picking that book up is just too hard, I need to do it to fix things with my daughter because I can see her becoming closed off, depressed, anxious and it is killing me. Instead, I'm sitting here typing this and my daughter is back in her room after sticking her head out the door then disappearing again 😞 I want to get her to come out and have a cuddle with me but I know something will be said and we will get in a stupid argument and she will disappear again. I just want to be the mum she wants and needs, I want to be able to do all the things my thoughts tell me I should be doing with her but I don't because I'm scared I will do something to let her down again. I feel like a complete waste of oxygen and that she needs someone that can be a better role model cos I'm screwing her up in so many ways I can see it but I'm too scared to do anything cos whenever I try to make things better I mess it up and she trusts me even less than before. 

I know this must all just sound like the ramblings of a hopeless no-hoper my mind just gets so mixed up, I get afraid to be alone, its been like this for about 10 months,  I know I would feel better if I just got ready and went out for the day with my daughter or by myself but, my brain stops me I don't even really understand how it's doing it or why? I'm so sorry about all this crazy rambling, I'll understand if this gets deleted off the forum  

[Shaz51]

hello and welcome to the forum @Rubyrose1 

way to go with your vaccumming this morning 

Lettting you know that you are not alone my friend 

the link below is a good one to click on to 

The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff' 

@Faith-and-Hope, @greenpea , @Smc , @Anastasia , @Determined , @Appleblossom 

[Eve7]

Welcome @Rubyrose1 I am sure you will meet plenty of friendly, supportive people here.

Well done on what you have achieved today...that’s a positive!

[Keiko-love]

Rubyrose1 sorry you are feeling so bad. I feel like your depression is quite overwhelming at this time. You say your dr is not helping. I think you need to urgently see someone else who will realise the extent of your problem. Show them what you have written in this forum. You say so much and your need for help is loud and clear.I really believe that as you feel better so will your daughter. It sounds like she is very affected by your mood and attached to you. When your mind gets clearer and you feel stronger your relationship will improve. Sending many hugs🙂

[Shaz51]

Hello @Keiko-love , thank you for your Message xx

remember to put a @ in front of members name so they will receive your message 

how are you today xx

@Rubyrose1, @Eve7 

[Rubyrose1]

I've had better days @Shaz51, I have spent the whole days sitting on the couch thinking about stuff, never a good move but I have managed to have a shower, get dressed, cook my daughter and easy tea, and back sitting on the couch thinking about or should I say psyching myself up to going to the supermarket, I've been putting it off for days and I need to get my meds from the chemist argh!  I have wastes a beautiful sunny day, I feel like I should have been out pretending to be normal 

[Rubyrose1]

@Keiko-lovethank you for your message, yes my daughter is very attached to me as it has been just us since she was about 3 years old , I've had partners but only one that she has attached too and he lives about 3 hours away, so doesn't see her much so I have no actual support, I find this hard and I feel guilty about it, I have tried to find positive people to have around my daughter but it's hard. It frightens me that she will turn out like me and struggle with relationships and I don't want that for her.
on the Dr thing , it is very hard to get into see a dr here now since the corona virus hit, drs are only allowing over the phone appointments and I haven't seen my psychiatrist since the beginning of the year and even then he refuses to do face to face appointment only online, I am allocated 15 minutes to look at his disinterested head for about 5 minutes of the allocated 15 , he tells me to take more or less of the pills he has prescribed and says check ya later in a month or so ! i got tired of this and just stopped making appointments.