Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

Why I feel angry.

I need to vent and write. I need feedback/comments. I cannot do everything on my own. I may take days to respond but I will respond. I like to take breathing space to calm myself and reflect.

This is about the end of my relationship and why I feel angry. I got told right from the start to take responsibility when she was pissed off. I asked what do I need to take responsibility for? I am a person that does have insight and does reflect without being told to. I was genuinely not sure what I needed to take responsibility for. Most of the time, it was projecting. Projecting onto me what others had done to her in her past and it was being projected onto me. I am also a person that does reflect if I have done something and I will apologise, then rectify that. That is the way I rolled in my relationship.

This happened more times than I care to bloody think about. Eventually I started to lay strong boundaries down of how I was to be treated and what I would not take on anymore. It would take a while and some very tumultuous/stormy/painful days of silent treatment and anger towards me. Unfortunately this would always come up for me to take responsibility. Most of the time my brain would be rattling about what I needed to take responsibility for? It was an endless vicious cycle for 10 months.

I would go between confusion, trying to understand, trying to have conversations, trying to deal with her anger, trying to figure out who in her past had done what so I could identify where it was coming from and help her so we could have a better relationship. I realise now that was not my job to do that. Old behaviours and roles that I am still working on no longer doing and playing my parts of those roles. I just wanted it to stop. There would be anger if I did not take responsibility and I would say, I don’t think this is meant for me, it is meant for someone else who did not take the responsibility. She would be vicious and say oh no it is meant for you only, no one else. It was truly hard and painful, but I stuck with her. Me being too kind, loving and understanding.

At the start of the relationship, I enrolled us in an 8 week John Gottman Course through relationship Australia. Of course, I sat down with her and showed her first and let her make her own decision whether she wanted to go through with it or not. I enrolled us not because we were having issues but because we both had such hard lives and I wanted to give us the best chance. I believed what we had been given was special. She did agree to go. We started, went to two sessions and then she broke up with me. I was told it was best for me to leave. I was devastated. I was not ready to let go. Most of the ten months has been on/off again. I initiated it one time, but gave it another chance.

I was the responsible one, always trying to do what was right. Being a responsible adult and continuing to make the relationship work. My efforts were never recognised. If I was working or studying hard, then I was not paying enough attention to her. Spending too much time studying or working. Mind you, I would be sitting right next to her the whole time and taking breaks to spend time with her. I supported her in her endeavours, raised her up, gave her compliments on what she was really good and talented in, always told her I loved her and showed her that she could have her own power back again in life.

Now, I am not saying I was perfect. Don’t know why that word even exists really. We are all flawed in some way. We enter into any type of relationships knowing that no one is perfect and people make mistakes. Some mistakes are a good bye and some mistakes are given another chance. It seems that there was more a focus on my mistakes then there was in my goodness. I never felt seen even though I was showing. It was OK for her to do it, but when I pointed anything out, it certainly was not met with respect or any questioning that what I was saying could be true. There were some occasions which made me believe that perhaps she did have it in her to reflect, take ownership, stop treating me like shit and change the behaviours and actions.

I was asked to leave numerous times. That’s the thing I was vulnerable in my relationship. She knew about terrible things from my past and they were targeted areas of trauma, pain and hurt. I do not know whether it was intentional or unintentional. I just do not know. It would be sudden too.

I had three nervous breakdowns in the course of the relationship. Her not entirely being the sole cause, but contributing to that occurring. I have strong morals, beliefs and principles. I honor them. I am going to do something about that though. Some people just don’t deserve any rights to my own morals or principles. Most times, I felt like I was in a relationship with a child who had not grown up yet. There was manipulation. The days on end that there was complete silence/stonewalling.

I read up about stonewalling and I understood it. I knew a fair bit about her past and put it down to that. Again, there I went playing the counsellor role, falling into that trap again that I was in as a child, young adult and adult. I now understand very very well, that I will no longer be doing that in my life anymore. That is not and was never what I was meant to do, to be loved. It is not a pre-requiste for a healthy relationship. Of course, it never stopped the stone walling.

I was constantly in a case of her questioning what is right for her and of course I would support that. She came across as wanting her own Independence and I supported that as well. But then when there was a problem she would come to me for the answers. Answers I did not have, but I could make suggestions. Suggestions that were mostly never taken on or acted upon. I just assumed they were not right for her and she would find her own way. Of course, I was frustrated and many times I just thought, get on with it. I felt so angry because I was sharing so much wisdom I had gained from my life and experiences, expressing my life and still always telling her choose what is right for you. Did it ever happen? NO.

If I tried to take care of her because I was concerned about her health, it was met with anger. I tried to organise counselling for us. She wanted to go, so that was good to start off with. That never lasted at all. We went for a session together and then the counsellor saw us separately and then we would come back together to start couples counselling. That didn’t move forward. The counsellor believed I was committing domestic violence! I was gob smacked.  

I was so hurt and angry. I felt so judged and powerless. I now know that she said things in her private session with the counsellor that would have alerted the counsellor to me committing acts of domestic violence. I have been in so many domestic violence relationships and been terribly abused since a child. I had learnt a lot about domestic violence. It has only been recently that I have worked this out about that counsellor and what happened there. Do I feel betrayed, damn right I do. Again, I am seen for someone I am not.

I am angry because I was told so many times how beautiful, loving, kind, generous, smart and very much loved I am. Why the hell would I not be confused???????

I honestly do not know how I see her now. This person I loved and adored. I am no longer speaking to her. I need my space. I need my head space too. My self esteem and self worth have taken so many knocks in this last ten months. There is no way I am getting back with her. She has a lot of work to do on herself. I am tired of how I was being treated. I was willing to take responsibility and ownership for my mistakes. I showed her many times my honesty and loyalty of going to her when I was aware I had made a mistake, apologising, owning it and changing it. I may never have been the perfect partner, whatever the heck that is, BUT I do know that I gave it my all and there was just nothing more I could do. I got over the games, the pain, the breakdowns, the arguments, the on/off again, the failure on her part to recognise the damage she was causing and never knowing where things stood. I just got done with it.

Of course it is still all still raw and fresh. I still find myself asking ok, where did I go wrong, what did I do that was so very bad to be treated so badly, what was I doing that I was not seeing. If I ever tried to explain from my perspective, stay calm and talk openly and honestly, it would end up in an argument. She would feel like I was attacking her or blaming her for something. I realised eventually that was always at the forefront of her mind when entering into any conversation. With that taking the lead and her failure to recognise it, well I just gave up.

I don’t even want to have a conversation with her about anything. Its up to her to change her ways and help herself. That is her choice and she can make those completely on her own now. I need to live my life.

[Whitehawk]

Hi @Powderfinger 

I have read your lengthy post and applaud your courage and strength in posting such a personal and revealing account of your struggles. I hope you venting in this way has helped. Sometimes getting it all out certainly can have that effect. I am sure you will get support from forum members and I hope that little by little you are able to get on with living your life,

warmest regards

Whitehawk

[Powderfinger]

@Whitehawk 

Thank you for reading such a lengthy post. I feel that it's just been good to get it out. Since I posted it, I have not read it. I think it just needed to come out. I had a very big day today with Rotary. I am a member and it was one of our biggest events for the year, so I'm resting tonight. 

Ramble.