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Something’s not right

StuF
Senior Contributor

Some truth

I'm not sure how long I can keep doing this. Hiding from everyone how low I am getting. Trying to hide it from myself...


Mum's asking how I am. I lie and say I'm tired. Had treatment today, so it's not a total lie.

 

...Got my cousin's funeral Monday. We're flying up tomorrow. At least it will be an excuse to cry...

 

I see my psychiatrist fortnightly. But I've been seeing her for 30 years. We just talk shite now and she manages the bloods and writes the scripts I need.


I speak to my psychologist every few weeks, but it's still on the phone (thanks Covid!) so I sit in my car, talk and basically get nowhere.


I do group therapy weekly, but I've been doing it so long...it Is helpful, but I don't put in the work outside of the sessions.

 

I'm safe. Very safe. But not waking up tomorrow would be wonderful. I just have no desire to continue. Nothing to work towards. I wish my cancer would come back and force me to fight for life...rather than this apathetic slide into oblivion...

 

...Anyway, I'll leave this here for now. I don't want to be too melodramatic, but I needed to get this out somewhere, somehow.

 

Thanks for reading

 

PS I'm about to have dinner, so will check back in later. No alarm necessary if I don't respond straight away, should anyone respond to this 🙂

16 REPLIES 16
Bow
Senior Contributor

Re: Some truth

Hey @StuF  nothing overly helpful to say, but I read your post and see you and understand. 

Dimity
Senior Contributor

Re: Some truth

Hello @StuF . I hear your sadness. 

I just wanted to acknowledge your kind, sensible and thoughtful posts that make the forums a better place. 

I look forward to reading any poetry you choose to post.

Thank you for being here. I trust you'll find your way through this sense of bleakness.

IMHO you'd make a great community guide should you be able to find the time.

Please look after yourself. 

Dimity

Re: Some truth

Thank you @Bow 

Re: Some truth

Thank you @Dimity 

 

Getting that off my chest has already helped

 

Being a part of this community definitely helps keep me going. So many great people, including yourself. Even without much direct interaction (well none, all being anonymous, really) I certainly appreciate your presence and input and that of many others.

Thanks 🙂

Re: Some truth

Hi @StuF 

 

Thanks for sharing and for letting us know that you're safe.

 

It sounds like you are doing everything right with therapy etc but it just isn't working at the moment.

 

I hope things turn around for you soon and you stop feeling so low.

 

Take care,

RedHorse 🌹🐴

Re: Some truth

Thanks @RedHorse 

 

Just getting a bit overwhelmed of late. Things will turn, I know.

 

Thanks

Re: Some truth

Hey @StuF ,

 

I’m sorry to hear how low you feel. When I read your post, I thought I typed it! That’s exactly how I was. I’d stay out of the family house as long as possible. Then when I got home, I’d go straight to bed. Not because I was tired but because I was low. I didn’t want my family to know.

 

Months went by. Sometimes I didn’t go home because ‘I was at a friend’s place’. But really, I was in a psych ward.

 

I NEVER spoke to my parents about my MH because it was taboo. MH issues ‘didn’t exist’.

 

This went on for years. I got worse and worse. SH meant I wore long sleeves and jumpers in 40 degree heat.

 

I was admitted so many times…. Involuntarily. I hid my health insurance papers. 

One day, my mum cleaned my room and found the papers. She asked what they were for. I said ‘nothing’. 

From there I decided to work towards leaving home. My parents went overseas for a good two months or so. I packed my things and moved interstate. They came back to find I was gone.

 

I left them. I left everything. I tried to get away from everything. I tried to get away from myself. 

Lo and behold, things were ‘good’ for a month or so. But it caught up by then and I was back to square one. Depressed, low and living to die.

 

Ive learnt that you can’t run from self. You can’t run from the world. You cant run full stop.

 

I had to learn to accept the fact that I was depressed. I had to learn to reach out. And I had to learn that the ball was in MY court. 

Today, thinking back hurts. It was such a painful time. Yet I’ve grown from my experiences and I don’t regret having gone down the road I have. I had to learn to be true to myself and true to others.

 

Its okay to admit that you’re not okay. It took a long time for me to realise that.

 

All the best @StuF .

Re: Some truth

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

 

Thanks for sharing that part of your story. I do appreciate it.

 

You are, of course, correct in saying that admitting that not all is ok is ok (now there's a messy sentence!). Not so much with my family (who have knowledge of my issues and are supportive) but, I think, I need to actually Use the other supports in my life. Not just skim the surface, but be prepared for more honesty and Real work.

 

Thanks

Re: Some truth

Don’t get me wrong @StuF , people tried to ‘help’ me by taking me to see a psychiatrist, and psychologist, to different therapists etc. but looking back, it was like leading a horse to water and trying to force it to drink. It didn’t work.

 

The true work is done by YOU. And at the end of your journey you can say YOU did it!

 

Also note that sometimes, we do need others to pull us out of a deep dark place, but this only works if you allow them. So that’s also okay. Sometimes we have to admit we need that little extra support. When all fails, others can carry you across the bump in the road. You may think you are not in control now, but you are - because you have to allow them to carry you through.

 

Its totally worth it @StuF . It’s hard, but it makes you a better person.

 

 Walking with you, BPDSurvivor 

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