It's been suggested that writing about my feelings and troubles may assist me - one friend even told me a story about writing everything with her non-dominant hand as it made her really concentrate on her thoughts and where they were coming from... maybe I should give that a try? Anyway - here goes...
I went through a separation around April / May last year. My 'estranged wife' / ex, whatever you want to call her, has moved on very successfully - but I have not. The separation was a long time coming and her decision that we should split did not come as a surprise - however, her actions afterwards hurt and humiliated me greatly. They stay with me daily and I think this is why I have not bounced back.
We had been together for 13 years, married for almost 11 after what had started as an affair and split up my first marriage. I am now left as a single Dad, my son's Mum (my first wife) lives overseas. I am struggling to cope with brining up a teenager on my own and feel very isolated. My ex hooked up with someone who works for the same organisation as me. I got her a part-time job there. Boy do I regret that.
So, my feelings. Depression, anxiety, my nerves are shredded, regular feelings of utter hopelessness and feeling that I can't go on. Although somehow I seem to keep my head above water. Just. Loneliness, isolation, when I am happy I am super-happy, and this then leads to mammoth lows in mood and feelings. I am not suicidal but do have very negative thoughts and sometimes wish I could simply stop existing. But I love and care about my son too much to even imagine leaving him on his own. And we are very much on our own here with no close family to offer support.
I do have good friends - but socialising usually means drinking. I am drinking and smoking far too much, and wonder in a way if this is an example of slow, deliberate self-harm - it's the only thing that seems to help me cope. Have been taking prescription meds as well that balance me out but it's not sustainable. I am trying to make some changes - started cycling which takes my mind of things but can't ride 24 hours a day. And currently at least this is a solo effort. Again isolated.
I have suffered from depression in the past and am mildly OCD. Recent counselling did not seem to help. I was told I was either 'ruminating' and thinking too much about the past or using work and socialising to avoid my thoughts and feelings. Felt like I was chasing my tail. Spending time with friends and family over Christmas was wonderful, but now all that's over, it's back to real life, and all the negative thoughts and feelings have returned in full strength.
So I am utterly unsure of what to do to move on. I am seeing my GP on Monday. Do I need anti-depressants? I'm not sure I want to go down that path as I know I have an addictive personality. When I do see friends I manage to pretend that I am ok. Work keeps my mind active and busy but there is still the haunting feeling of 'her & him' connected to my place of work...
Why am I writing this? What do I expect out of it? Maybe I'll read it tomorrow and realise I am just being a drama queen and need to just get over it!? My New Year Resolutions were to start exercising - tick so far, and make some new friends to get me out of the rut I am in. Not as easy as it sounds for a mid-forties single Dad.
I have no idea if this will help in any way! But it's worth a shot hey?
