I cant do it today, everything she says and does irritates me so bad. She talks and I just want her to be quiet. She is cleaning/sanding her bed head in the hallway, its like there are more people than just you in the house. She has crap all over the kitchen bench and Im forever moving stuff to get space to do anything. 1/2 drunk cans of drink around the place. 1/2 eaten meals. I get she is trying to make a safe space for herself and thats important but so is respecting the other people in the house I think.I cant get any time for myself, I mean I cant even drive into the shops to FINALLY do some shopping for myself as I havent had any lunch in days and she keeps taking the car for the entire day and she rang. I mean an hour uninterrupted, no I got to get a call. Im not doing well last day or so, been sleeping 15 hrs a day (not normal for me) and I want to go back to bed once I wake up. Waking up not cause Im done, sister woke me up yesterday, was worried Id died and woke up cause I had to pee today. I dont feel right, like generally unwell but nothing specific.
A few days ago I wound up in ER with severe chest pain and shortness of breath. Been referred to my cardiologist. They put me on a drug which I think could be the cause of the tiredness, either that or Im more worn out than I thought, or of course its the start of a bug.
I have bilateral RF ablasion on my SI Joints on Thursday. Ive had heaps of procedures, I mean this will be my fourth just for this year but this one is making me pretty nervous. If it works Ill be pain free for the first time in over 20 years so its a big deal for me.
My anxiety is pretty bad, I cant seem to be calm. I take medication to stop my hands from shaking, Im at the max dose but still they shake. Not enough to impare use like they do when not on meds but enough to irritate.
Im really struggling with my depression. I have a morning, day and night routine which I havent been able to do because I had to be down with my sister etc. I told her a few days ago that I was going to restart them yesterday and that it would take a bit to get into it again, especially waking at 6am as my sleep/wake cycle has been messed up as well, so I would start my routine once I wake up. Her response was, so I cant do my routine, I dont know what routine she does and they shouldnt impact each other, but it was about her. I havent restarted my routine due to the tiredness/feeling crap thing.
Ive had some escape ideations lately, not suicidal as in I want to but a way out. Im the only one that can look after my sister. Mum decided a long while ago that she wasnt coming out her room any more. She has an acquired brain injury and heart failure though no one can work out why that means she cant do stuff anymore. Dad, well we had a conversation the other days and I described a mental health centre we have in Adelaide and his description was, a kindergarten for nutters. That pretty much sums up my Dads views on mental health. So that just leaves me
Ive been having some hallucinations of late. They are getting to me somewhat. The tactile one just scares the crap out of me, like its terrifying. The audible is ok, I can deal with that at the moment. The visual ones are I dunno, they make me want to look over my shoulders constantly. I feel like Im being watch, evaluated, prepared for something. I dunno, its a wierd feeling that I havent had before and I know it sounds kina paranoid.
I saw a psychiatrist a little while ago and he has done scripts for some new meds but they have to be posted so a bit of a wait. Im on a common antipsychcotic (2 or 3 actually) but I take this one before bed. The prescribed amount isnt doing much so I have been taking double, I know I can do this as have been prescribed it in the past. One of the new meds Im starting will replace it and hopefully do a better job.
I have some supports coming into place, quite a few but everything is weeks away. Like I have urgent support through SANE and kinds FB but actual ongoing support is weeks away. This is why I post so much I suppose, I have few other avenues. While I have dealt with mental health for years I have few skills to manage it. I mean loud noise, distraction are my go toos but this situation it seems that they are not enough or they are getting interupted (normally by sister).
I havent felt like I am right to be the carer for my sister from day one, but no one else was going to step up. She has been my primary support for ages, while I am deeply in debt, Im 43 and live with my parents and sister, Im an ex-alcholic who needed rehab to stop and my sister was there every step of the way. I couldnt manage my own household, I can barely do the chores etc Im asked to do here. I have a financial councillor to help with my position. Who am I to be responsible for another person, to make sure they are safe etc.
