I dont know whats changed but this afternoon has been really hard. Im feeling really low. I managed to fill the dishwasher this morning, the bottom tray was already full which is good as I wouldnt have been able to do that. But I got the middle tray I filled and filled up the cutlery drawer. Made me feel a bit better, like I had accomplished something. I took out the cans for refunds too. But a bit later in the day the pain returned so I took my pain killers, went out for a smoke expecting shortly I would be in bed. But no, I stayed awake, dopey as all hell but not drowsy. Not a pleasent feeling and maybe why I feel as shitty as I do.
Ive said about it before but my Dad is trying to look after my Mum in hospital and my very demanding sister in another hospital, me though I am looking after myself for the most part and ofcourse himself. He is currently cleaning the house, which I cant help with. At least my meals are from lite n' easy and I dont need him to cook me something to eat. I really dont like being a bother as much as I can be but I feel like I am being one and that he is mad with me. Though, I know he is just very angry at the moment. There are a lot of reasons, Mum and Sister have accumulated immense amounts of stuff, just heaps of shit via FB Buy Swap Sell groups. Like we have rooms full of stuff and then sheds, like lots of sheds full of shit. Never used since its been bought. Dad, myself and my sister have collected it over a couple years. It didnt take long for me to stop, which was massive arguments. Sister blams mum for all the stuff and vice versa. Dad, and I are just sick of the stuff.
Then there is my sister attempting suicide a couple times, I think hes mad about that. Her stealing his car made him wild.
I live at home, Im supposed to be a man, dealing with a wife, kids and standing on my own. But Im not, for what ever reason I still need Dad to help me, to help support me. Regardless of my health issues, mental health issues it doesnt matter. Im old enough now and Im a man so I shouldnt need his help.
At the moment, i just want to help my Dad clean, or visit my Mum or Sister so he doesnt need to. Do something more that sit waiting to have my medication and go to bed.
Out of interest, when you go to hospital you go with a few changes of clothes right. Do you then use facetime to select your replacement clothes? Do you have someone pack some clothes into a big duffle bag and winge that they arent the right ones? Do you complain you dont have people coming down often enough with new clothes? Thats basically my sister, I mean she has particular socks she wants brought down. Its starting to tick both my Dad and I off. I can barely get around and when I do its not for long but I had to face time her and collect the clothes she wanted brought down, I was in so much pain at the end of that and no thank you or anything.
We have 4 dogs and they are all driving me up the wall, one is 6 months old and has a tendancy to sit or lay on one foot or sometimes, it is doing my head in. Just stay off my foot. Its kinda cute as a small puppy or when its happening to someone else, but when its you and they weigh 25kg its no longer cute. Its just frustrating as hell
It worries me how angry, that doesnt seem to carry the depth of his anger but I dont know a better word. Ive spoken to him about it and that he needs to speak to someone but his feelings to mental health carry over to getting therapy or councilling.
I rang Beyond Blue, out of desperation. I dont know how it happens but you go to talk about something and always ends up about something else. The person I got today was pretty decent, she did tailor the conversation to end around 20min. I got off the phone and started writing this, I did feel for a moment that I was feeling better but that didnt last long. She said that I sound pretty upbeat, then did their little test and I scored way high. Ive got the sound good thing down, I dont have any other right to be good with my family, they dont want to hear that im not good. But thats true of society, I go to the doctors and I ask them how they are and then they ask me and I still say good, then have to go through how crap I actually am.
I think Im less annoyed that I cant help Dad etc as I am just fuming that I am still in pain and that I am in a different kind of pain to the one Im used to. Like Im used to quite a lot of pain, but now I feel like I have that plus the pain of the surgery and the surgery was meant to take away the pain not add to it. I always knew it would take time for the pain to resolve, so 2 days to deal with the surgical pain and a couple weeks for the pain relief for the original pain. But this additional pain, man is it making me mad. I cant say the names on here but when I told Beyond Blue what I was on and the strengths (just pain meds) she said that was a lot, she was a drug and alcohol nurse. The dose of the newest one is pretty high, typically doctors dont like prescribing the lower dose of this stuff let alone this dose. Im in a lot of pain and I want it to stop.
Sorry this one was a bit more chaotic, structure wasnt there and its probably a bit more raw/less refined than my normal BS. Typically I write in an editor, combine thought patterns, make it more palatable and then copy and paste. This time all in the SANE editor nothing more so I hope its ok.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN