Lived Experience Forum

[Kyle1]

My stomach clamps into monkey knots and it rings out my eyes... trembling limbs and fingers stimming... I think vaguely how some people might say "good morning" to themselves.

Yet for me, with all the yucky feelings, I greet fear.

There is this 'fear' so pervasive, my arteries become as pythons. There is also this feeling of fearsomeness so large looming in the world outside, entwined throughout the oncoming hours... I panick at the thought of putting on my shoes.

If you were to ask me what it is I am afraid of, I'd respond "what have you got"? You name it...

On the surface this looks like anxiety. And depression. And PTS. I am beginning to recognise beneath all that there is this churning magma, 'fear'. 

How does anyone walk on a lake of fire ?

I can't do it.

[Gillie1]

I've known this fear. I've lived this fear. I've faced this fear as reality. I'd like to say that when the worst has happened the fear goes away but honestly I have thought the worst has happened before and been proven wrong. 

What I will say is that the more you look that fear in the face, the more that fear tries and fails to control you, the less power that fear has. 

That doesn't mean putting yourself out into unsafe spaces and asking to be harmed though. That will just make the fear worse.

Only you know what where why somewhere could be safe for you and how to make somewhere safer. 

[Appleblossom]

@Kyle1 

Metaphors and feelings and fire ...

I have never been good at putting words to my feelings but I can relate to a lot of what you write.

Takes COURAGE to face fear.

I wish the bloomin Dark Night of the SOUL had not been so long for me ... but the furnace can be a tempering ...

[Gillie1]

@Kyle1 

I don't know if this helps  If it doesn't toss it.

Don't deny your fears. Fear is such an important part of self preservation. It is there for a reason. 

Giving in to them just makes them stronger and hands over control. 

If you treat your fears as an adviser an ally. Someone who you can hear evaluate and choose how to respond to you will start to feel more empowered 

If Fear itself isn't feared and shut out,  avoided at all costs you can start to be safer, feel safer and more importantly start to take control over your life. Like everything there are no quick fixes. No easy outcomes. No magic pills but from what I know of you  you are smart enough, wise enough, strong enough etc.

If this doesn't resonate dismiss it and be gentle on yourself. No one should need to walk on lava to get where they want to be. 

[Kyle1]

"To get where they want to be"...

Now there's a brain teaser! 

I reckon I know where I'd want to be, but everything's so upside down and inside out...it's like that movie - did you ever see it: "Everything Everywhere All At Once" ? ...

@Gillie1 

[Gillie1]

Most original series in a long time. 

I don't really know where I want to be either not in any concrete form. Goals,  outcomes, tangible real changes in the real world? I don't know what is realistic or achievable. But I have an idea where I want my headspace to be. 

I think you are talking about different perceptions of yourself and different ways life could go?

Everything everywhere was chaotic wacky merging of reality and possibility and how choice can change the direction of life.

I know my different perceptions of myself effect how I feel perceive and relate to the world around me Is that close to what you mean?

I'm a bit lost. Tell me more.

[Kyle1]

Yes, there is that. 

Then there's the machinations, the manipulation of facts by others. The corruption of honesty. The twisting of perception of reality for mere sport at the expense of decency and truth.

There's a line in a bob dylan song "all the truth in the world adds up to one big lie"

.....

Like that @Gillie1 

Gaslighting. 

[Gillie1]

Everyone sees the same facts from a different angle @Kyle1 

I don't know your history or what you have lived through. People do manipulate reality for their own agenda @Kyle1 sometimes deliberately, sometimes unconsciously. Sometimes even thinking it's for the best. Sometimes that can have a majorly destructive impact on others. I know this. .I don't believe Dylan is right though.

Gaslighting happens sometimes deliberately sometimes through ignorance sometimes because they are so confident they are right sometimes even with good intentions. 

I don't know what you have experienced and feel out of my depth here. I hear you are hurting. 

I don't believe many people out there are the type to deliberately maliciously screw with people's mind like that. Maybe I'm blind, when I get really scared I start thinking like that for sure.

I would like to believe in people more than that but sometimes I feel that way. I  am not able to talk about your experience at all.I just don't know what you have been through. And I don't think the forum is a place to work that out. I can't understand what you have experienced but I hear your pain and confusion. 

[Gillie1]

@Kyle1 @Appleblossom @Right now I'm feeling significant anxiety that my talking about my experiences and my interactions with you is having a negative impact on your anxiety, and I don't know what to do around that. If a moderator or someone with more experience could give feedback that would help. I feel out of my depth.

[Kyle1]

No. Your disclosure has been both open yet veiled to an extent that it has not triggered any further anxiety in me, @Gillie1 

Rest assured, please. 

We're conversing... as best we might while maintaining anonymity.

Perhaps next time will be a different subject...