Lived Experience Forum

[ClockFace]

Feeling really overwhelmed today. The pain meds Ive been on mean I cant take my meds to deal with my anxiety when its bad because there is an interaction, something about them making each other more intense.

I feel like all my anxieties are ganging up on me and Im just not able to deal with them all at once. Im worried that the doctor Im seeing today wont give me anything more for the pain. I rang my surgeon and hes in surgery, so he might call me when he is finished or tomorrow but worried he wont believe me. Im freaking out that my Dad is just gonna implode if he doesnt address his feelings, Ive told him he can start with calling SANE but he was just dismissive. He has had two breaks, not psychotic but depressive things and Im worried he is on the way to a third and not doing anything about it. Im waiting for my sister to crack it with me over something. Dad is going to see her today which means getting clothes and after the last time Im not doing it again, it was just too painful and she didnt seem to care. I keep getting a feeling of doom and dread for no apparent reason.

I am going to shower today, I have decided that much. I will never understand why self care is so hard but it can be and often. I mean I understand the reasons, there is plenty of explainations but why for me, I dont get it.

Most the time I can put on a persona that says Im ok. I wear it pretty well all the time now, I mean I cant show my family how I really feel, I dont think they would care, so I dont want to deal with the rejection. If they cared I would be wrong so again, rejection. Lastly, Im supposed to be there for them so how could I be there for them if they knew how I really feel.

I wear that persona so much that I feel Im that person more than I am the real me. Even with doctors its hard to let them know the real pain. If they do a K10 or something they are always suprised how highly I rate given how I present.

I know we all have a persona that we put on in public etc. I just dont know when I get to take mine off. The closest I get is on the forums. aI need a break from pretending to be ok in real life

[hanami]

@ClockFace I think it's perfectly fine to give yourself permission to take off your public persona. You are completely anonymous here so we won't know what that 'other' you is anyway. Just let go and let yourself feel what you need to feel.