Lived Experience Forum

[LeChuck]

Saw you on music thread, hope you didn't find the song too much!

Catch ya later when you have some phone battery 

LeChuck 

[StanD]

Hey @LeChuck oh yes, I have been listening to Ren few times today. I listened to a song called Violet, but it made me too sad. There was another one I can't think of name,  Ren is discussing diagnosis with female Dr. That is amazing too. 

Checking in with you.

How are things going for you mate?

It's hard going thru this displacement (I'm naming it). I won't get into boring details. It's not even explainable if I tried. Saved in scared...?

Found a car dealer. It was weird. I didn't 'trust' him - yet I trusted him. He is looking after me. 

Strange feeling. One big less worry. And I got it sorted within days, so, proud of me for taking action quickly.

Anyway, car is due to be delivered to me after Easter. I have only told one other person!

I suspect my mind is under enormous stress right now. Maybe most in my life. I'm theorising that in times of extreme mental stress, brain creates neural pathways at extreme speeds as coping mechanisms. 

I am 'ok' but I feel altered. 

It's hard to land anywhere. A plane flying around until the dangerous storm dissapates.

I cooked a good meal tonight. Meat, veges & sauce with garlic, tumeric & honey.

The house & chores are chaotic. I had plans...I don't know, I got occupied. Now it's bedtime. Every single day, for a while now.

Can't cope. Surviving.

Or letting go. My job is to stay alive.

I'm not sure why I'm rambling. My mind, it's a loose collection of random hypothesis. Reality was a good trip. I hung on as long as it would let me.

I could find a light & look back on these times as the hardest I ever got thru. Is that what people do? Hope? 

I know I don't want to be stuck here. I know more is out there. I don't want to wait either. 

Everyday is impossible & magical. I can't grasp stable. I need stability. 

Commitment.

Assuredness.

Halp!

I am ok. Please let me know how things are for you. Anytime.

Sending HUGS!!!

God I need hugs!

Love ya xxxx

[LeChuck]

Even in your writing you sound like you're improving a little @StanD. It might not be very noticeable to you but you've cooked a delicious meal, been engaging with the forums, and managed buying a bloody car (congrats by the way) which is crazy impressive given where you were a few days ago!

Keep taking things one step at a time. I agree that your mind is under enormous stress. And as a result it will be flooding your whole body with adrenaline, cortisol and other stress hormones which will not be helping the situation at all, but the caveman part of your brain thinks it is protecting you. Try to sleep as much as you can and take time out to control your breathing for 5-10 mibutes. It will lower your heartrate.

This might not be relevant to you, I haven't got a good grasp of where your head's at from your last message, but it sounds like the stress you're under and the chaos of your environment has made your brain perceive a threat and wants you to be ready for fight flight or freeze.That may be one of the reasons you are feeling altered at the moment. Your lizard brain is on fire, processing information and planning and  frantically trying to be ready to face wolves or sabertooth tigers and whatnot. And your body is making sure it's ready to act and act FAST. These days we have no animal predators (unfortunately humans are the greatest threat to a lot of us), but that part of the brain still exists, ready to try and protect us from physical threats. And it still necessary in some situations. But it hasn't realised yet that it's not always helpful in 2023, where our threats are often of a different nature. We haven't really evolved a new mechanism for those yet.

Don't worry too much about the neural pathways changing because the brain is amazingly elastic and flexible and those pathways will be re-route themselves to a healthier pattern when you get a break from this shitful time you're having.

You will find a light and things will get better. Keep that hope alive, it's one of the most precious things you have.

Is there anything about your current situation that I can help you problem-solve/brainstorm about? Do you have a good medical team and, if I may ask, have you got a diagnosis? There's no need to tell me what it is if you don't feel comfortable, I'm asking because I think you need medical help to support you through this, perhaps medication, and it's so important to have a good MH team in place.

I'm going ok, I think this new medication might actually work which would be nice because I'm coming up on 5 weeks in hospital. Aaaand unfortunately that's how I know this is going to take time StanD. You're right, your job is to survive until a ladder drops into that pit, and keep hanging on to the strength to climb it when it comes.

Jesus I've written you a bloody novel. Even I'm bored with myself! Sorry Stan. I have spent waaaaay too much time in therapy these last 5 weeks. Just skim over the boring bits haha.

Keep reaching out, sending you those hugs!!!

(PS so glad you found you could relate to Ren too)

LeChuck xx

[StanD]

Gonna write back.

Loved every word💚

Not a novel.

@LeChuck 

[LeChuck]

Was definitely a novel @StanD haha! Sorry about that I'm a bit elevated/borderline hypomanic today and struggling not to be over the top (failing haha)

No need to respond to it, just make sure you keep reaching out for support when you need it mate 

LeChuck x

[StanD]

Yes I have these days too @LeChuck a little manic. I'm happy to read your words. I found lots of great (all) advice & compassion.

My day was good....& Then it took a turn..

has made your brain perceive a threat and wants you to be ready for fight flight or freeze

This seems very accurate.

I'm going to be honest - right now I need to vent.

It will help me. 

Get this load of my chest that keeps pushing down on me. I'm really really angry, & frustrated. I think it's with others, I think it's with me.

I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't want to be. People hurt me. I'm scared. I'm terrified.

I want to be vulnerable. I want to feel safe. I want to know.

I want to let go. 

I don't ever want to let go.

I don't ever want to be let go of.

I'm scared of what happens. 

I'm not all that great. I can be. I like to think I have pride in myself. I like to think that others see me as 'flawless'. Or, that is wrong word, see me as wonderous, graceful. I'm so scared of being embarrassed. I'm scared that I will look silly. I'm scared off being laughed at.

I can see as I'm writing - I take myself way too seriously. 

I like the idea of being liked, adored, I'm afraid if people see how ashamed I really feel about myself, how little self value I really have, they will no longer be captivated by me..... This is gonna sound soooo stupid, but it's like, it's really hard being pretty!! It's really hard being wanted. Like there's all this pressure to be perfect.

I have been here heaps of times before. 

Pride? Ego?

I think I would more proud of me if I let myself fail. 

Illusionary expectations of others.

It literally makes me nervous when people like me.

 I hate myself.

xx

[LeChuck]

Vent away my friend! I'll get back to you tomorrow, big day!

LeChuck 

[EternalFlower]

Wishing you an amazing week ahead and all good things @LeChuck 

[LeChuck]

Hey @StanD, that was a really good vent! Sometimes you just need that hey?

Sounds like you've got a coin flipping through the air in your head and the two sides are completely opposite. You sounds so frustrated and confused my friend. It must be fudging hard. (That was a real swear but you know, the rules and all).

Some of what you're feeling is unfamiliar terrain for me. Or at least not feelings I have experienced in a while. But I'm here to listen and care.

This pressure to be perfect sounds so hard. Have you got a counsellor? Because this is the type of thing it's going to take work or time to move past, if that's what you even want to do!

Here to listen. You can be as imperfect as you like here. Let some of the pain out. And we can't see you so you don't have to be pretty for us! 😀

LeChuck x

[LeChuck]

Self worth is something I struggle with a lot too. I feel guilty all the time because I'm convinced I'm a turd person right down to my core.

I worry sometimes that I am a slug robot and that all my core values and behaviours are just adaptive mechanisms to blend in with the real humans.

It's a hard thought to shift. For me, it's truly rooted in depression. I'm lucky in that when I'm stable I have mostly a healthy image of myself. That took a fair while to come by because lord knows my life has been burned to the ground and rebuilt that many times. The last decade is chock full of failures. But I got to a place where I feel strong and competent and beautiful inside when the black dog isn't stalking me.The right meds and I'm mostly back on track.

Hoping you find that place faster than I did. The search is hard. But I think you're great @StanD . Brave, insightful, strong, very intelligent and caring even when things are really tough.

And you did the perfect thing by telling me you just wanted to vent. Sometimes we don't want anyone to try and fix us or soothe us we just want to let it all out to someone! Tell me any time you just want me to shut up and let you let it all out 🙂 write as much as you want, it might take me a couple of re reads to process but that is fine by me! That's a lechucks brain problem not a StanD problem 🙂

Here for you,

LeChuck x