13-12-2019 06:55 PM
Hi again @BlueBay
I know BPD isn't reasonable and you are feeling as if you are in a washing machine 🌀not fun
But as much as I wish I could do something useful to help all I can do is suggest you get onto the CAT and talk to them
13-12-2019 08:11 PM
I chatted online with lifeline. Not that helpful really.
I've retreated to myself
boys in other room watching movie
13-12-2019 09:05 PM
@BlueBay you are a beautiful, valuable individual. Please do not give up. I know this is a hard time for you, but you can get through it. Please try the local crisis team at your hospital or suicide callback service if you need support. Here for you xx
14-12-2019 07:31 AM - edited 14-12-2019 07:53 AM
Last night I ended up isolating myself from the fsmily in another room and fell asleep on the couch.
I think I'm just so exhausted thst my mentsl health reacts badly when tired
also I get very angry and emotional when tired
I'm working today 9-1pm and every Saturday until end of January. That will help with extra money.
I'm sore in my hip and back. On meds but not really helping. It's a setback because I can't walk as long as I used to. But my dietitian said to just do little walk and think of it as rehab. But I'm so inpatient. I told him yesterday thst I still have the scales. He wasn't surprised. He asked why as he said it's doing more damage to me mentally and why do I keep doing it. I started to get anxious as I explained to him that I can't let them go. I need to get in scale and see the numbers. But he keeps telling me the numbers are not important. So I have thought about this snd it's very very hard but I'm going to give them to my daughter tiday. I'm scared to let it go. It prob sounds stupid to you guys but to me this is super huge. I get angry when I hop on them snd haven't lost any weight. Thdn I excessively eat. It's a vicious cycle.
my anxiety is slightly high but I have to trust him. He told me yesterday to let me trust him and my exercise physiologist. They are both helping me. It's the mentsl thing that holds me back.
I better go snd get ready for wirk. I'm going to rest my bsvk when I get home.
14-12-2019 11:46 AM
15-12-2019 01:47 PM
I've stuffed up. I always stuff up. My BPD behaviour is terrible. I can see it later after I've done or said something.
im snapping at hubby terribly. He told me off because he says everytime he says something I snap. It's true.
im a hopeless wife mother friend and person. Thinking maybe I should disappear It would be better for him and kids. He won't have me around to annoy all the time.
I hate what I've become.
15-12-2019 02:05 PM
I agree - @BlueBay
BPD behaviour can be terrible - but is yours that bad? - you can't trust your emotions I know - BPD is hard to live with - your emotions high as a kite one minute then in the pits the next - but behaviour - that's different but it seems you can see now that you get snappy when you are in that kind of mood and I can say that
I gave my ex-h a serve of the "snaps" a lot and I couldn't blame BPD - I was one aggravated wife - and toward the end of our marriage we had drifted apart because there was nothing left - he was working at night and I was working during the day and we communicated by leaving notes on the kitchen table. When we were at home at the same time I would be waiting for his next trite statement and
When our daughter left home it was the end
So - my reason for saying this is - you want to disappear - he annoys you all the time
I disagree that you are a hopeless mother, wife, friend - this is your BPD talking - you can't trust that voice - but do you need a trial separation?
Anyway - that's just a friend asking a question - you have battled so long it seems to me that you are in a very sad place and need to get some serious space to think things through - and only you know the answer
You must feel very lonely deep inside - you see professionals for help and you talk to us - I think you are more open with us in the forum than you can be anywhere else
Myself - I am puzzled about how much further you can going feeling this way - you must be a very strong person to be enduring so much
But don't hate what you believe you have become - you are far better than you were in the past - you are not a bad person because your husband aggravates you
15-12-2019 04:20 PM
@Dec I think it's my instant bad reactions. It goes from 0 to 10 in an instant, seconds. There's no time for me to say to myself "ok wait let's work our ehst I want to say" no thst doesn't happen. It makes me feel so angry towards myself. I know I am bad at times but what he says at times really frustrates me. But at the moment he's right I'm not paying attention to what he's saying and I snap instantly. It's automatic.
separation - I couldn't go thst. I would feel so abandoned by thst snd completely blame myself.
I'm so honest and upfront on here. I don't know why. But I guess it's because everyone understands and there's no judgement.
my back and hip is sore today. Hoping I can get through tomorrow it's a full day.
I'm seeing my psychologist on Tuesday. Can't wait. So much to talk about.
Better go. We just got back from Bunnings eith more veggies and a dwarf lemon tree fir our pot. Hubby was given $200 voucher from his wirk as a kind gift fir his mums passing. I thought that was really nice of them.
I'll chat later. How are you ? Did you do much today? Xxx
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