Lived Experience Forum

[mamabear88]

Hi everyone, I am new here. I've started this message half a dozen times already! So I'm just gonna say my story as brief as I can. 

TW: Abuse

Content/trigger warning

My father is an alcoholic and very abusive. He started being violent when I was 4. (He probably always was) one of my most vivid memories was when I was 5, as my mother was working in the afternoon he would look after me and would enjoy hiding until I started crying because I wouldn't find him then would jump out from nowhere to scare me to death, would shout at me for being a pu**y, by then I would usually get so scared of him that I would start shaking and pee myself, he would then laugh for minutes calling me a little pisser. And that would happen on a regular basis. He would always end up the event by saying "your mother better not hear about it all or she would be very disappointed..." 

At other times an argument would start for no reason, I didn't grate the cheese fine enough, set up the table the wrong way or didn't close a tap properly... It would escalate, and I would end up with bruises... Most times my mother would get in the middle physically shielding me from the violence.

We used to live in an apartment with neighbours left right up and down but no one ever knocked at our door despite my screams or cries. I even ran out one day knocking at random doors screaming for help but no one opened their door and my father caught me and bring me back into the appartement. After that episode I tried to end it by taking my own life, I was 6. 

I am now 34. This all happened when I lived in France. I moved to Australia 9 years ago mostly to get away from him. 

Around my early teenage years I also been physically abused by a friend of the family. There was no rape (or I think so...) but he did many things that were wrong to me. 

All of this is still in my head and I have nightmares, panic attacks and relationship issues. My partner is the only one who knows everything and he's been pushing me to talk about it. Our intimacy can sometimes trigger panic attacks. I also miss big gaps in my memory, it's just blank. 

I recently tried to open to my mother about it, she said that my father was always playful and teasing maybe I mistook it for something it was not. She can't believe he would ever do something like that, she also said to forget about it and it will go away. I was utterly disappointed and shattered that my feelings and now adult issues have been dismissed so quickly, I stopped talking to her about it, it was more painful for me not to be supported by my own mother. 

Even 30 years after it still affects my daily life and the lost memories sometimes comes back and very vivid. I have trust issues obviously. I also hate the crowd and going out. Some days I'm just numb and some days I'm fine. 

I have a one year old son as well which helps me a lot, he's my little light in the dark, a very happy and bubbly baby. 

Can anyone relate to some of my issues and did you talk to your family about it? How were you received? Any advice or suggestions that can help the sleeping process? I'm literally scared at night time now, getting anxious about having nightmares and what not which causes insomnia. 

How do you manage your triggers? For the ones who have professional help how did it help you? Anyone who has kids and dealing with the same kind of issues? Really not feeling so alone in this will be a first step for me.

Thank you for taking the time to read me. 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @mamabear88 

I just wanted to reach out to welcome you to the forums - it’s great to have you here 💜

In my experience, sharing parts of our lives with other people can take an enormous amount of courage and as such, I just wanted to say that I think that you’ve taken such an amazing first step by reaching out to us here 💜

Oh Mamabear88 💜 I’m so deeply sorry to hear that you’ve experienced so much trauma throughout your life and that the people who were meant to care for you and protect you hurt you in the most unimaginable ways 💜

Talking about the traumas that we’ve experienced with our loved ones can leave us feeling incredibly vulnerable and I’m so sorry to hear how your mother responded to you when you reached out to her for support. As such, it’s completely understandable that you felt shattered, utterly disappointed and dismissed and I can really appreciate how you’re trying to protect yourself from any further pain and distress 💜

Given everything that’s happened to you, it’s understandable that you’re having nightmares and relationship issues. In my experience, it can be incredibly challenging when our loved ones ‘push’ us to talk about some of the things that have happened to us and as such, I just ever so gently wondered how this feels for you?

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re experiencing nightmares and in my experience there were definitely times when I dreaded the thought of even having to go to bed!

Nowadays, even though I still have nightmares, I focus on what I can do to take care of myself after I’ve had a nightmare, as this helps me to feel a little bit more in control and minimizes the impact they have on me.

Although this process has been a bit of trial and error, I’ve finally found a few strategies that have helped me 😊 As such, I just wanted to take a moment to share these with you, in the hope that something that I share, may be helpful for you too 💜

One of my strategies involves a cuddly little turtle who sits on my bed with me 💜 He has soft blue flippers and a cute little face and when I press one of the buttons on his shell, he projects soft blue waves onto the ceiling and the walls of my bedroom 😊 I find the sound of the waves really comforting and eventually, I’m able to soothe myself to the point where I can fall back to sleep.

Before my little turtle came along, I use to listen to music that I found calming and wrap myself up in a soft fluffy blanket. Other times I repeated some very simple affirmations that helped me to remind myself that I was safe and ok 💜

Sometimes, when I wake suddenly from a nightmare I can feel a little bit disconnected and so I use grounding techniques to help me to orientate myself to my surroundings and come back into the here and now.

As such, I name five things that I can see around me, four things that I can feel around me, three things that I can hear around me, two things that I can smell and one thing that I can taste. Sometimes, it’s tricky to think of something for the last two and so I often just focus on the first three - which still really helps me 😊

That’s a great question about professional support 😊 I’ve been participating in therapy for several years now and I’ve only just recently been able to share snippets about some of the traumas that I’ve experienced.

One of the ways that therapy helps me is that it provides me with a safe space to share my story with someone who listens to me with compassion and without judgement. It also provides me with the opportunity to be heard and believed which is incredibly powerful 💜 I wasn’t too sure if you have any professional support and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if this is something that you’re considering?

As I listened to your story, I can really hear how deeply you’ve been impacted by everything that’s been happening to you and as such, I just wanted to share a couple of resources with you just in case you felt that you needed some additional support.

The first resource that I thought may be helpful for us is called Blue Knot 💜

Basically, Blue Knot provides support for adults who have experienced childhood trauma and abuse 💜

One of the ways that they provide support is through the Blue Knot Helpline 💜 This particular Helpline is staffed by specialist trauma counsellors who provide short term counselling support, information and referrals for people who are looking for ongoing support.

I’ve contacted the Helpline on several occasions and I’ve always had a really positive experiences, where I felt listened to, validated and supported 😊

If this is something that you feel may be helpful for you, you can contact the Helpline on: 1300 657 380.

They operate Monday to Sunday (including public holidays) from 9.00am until 5.00pm AEST.

You can also email them at: helpline@blueknot.org.au

In addition to the above, they also provide a wealth of resources and information in relation to topics such as understanding trauma and abuse, self-care and coping strategies

I’ve just provided the link to their website below in case you would like to explore this further:

https://blueknot.org.au/

I also wanted to take a moment to share a few services that are available through SANE - just in case you would like to look into these too 💜

The first service that I thought maybe helpful for you is SANE’s ‘drop in services.’

Basically, ‘SANE drop-in services are staffed by qualified team of counsellors and people with lived experience of mental health issues who will provide you with free digital and telehealth support, information and referrals.’

I’ve reached out to this service numerous times and I’ve always had a really positive experience where I felt listened to and really well supported 💜

I’ve included the link to this particular service below, just in case you would like to explore this further 😊

https://www.sane.org/get-support/drop-in-service

The second service that I thought maybe helpful for you is SANE’s ‘guided service.’

Essentially, ‘SANE’s free guided service combines our range of digital and telehealth supports, tailored to the needs of people affected by complex mental health issues.’

I’ve included the link to this particular service below, just in case this is something that’s of interest to you 😊

https://www.sane.org/referral

Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e. @mamabear88 that way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them 😊

I really hope that this helps you a little bit and please know that you’re always welcome to reach out to us here whenever you need to 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[TideisTurning]

Hey @mamabear88, 

Welcome to the Forums! I'm TideisTurning, one of the Peer Workers at SANE 😊I'm sorry to read/ hear of everything you've been through and the ongoing impacts that's had and is still having on you. It's horrible to have been through something so traumatic once, let alone being constantly reminded through things like nightmares. Know you are not alone 💙 We have a weekly group event here at SANE called Peer Group Chat. Next week's topic is invalidation- we'd love to have you join us if this is something you'd like to do and we can let you know when there's more information on that particular topic/ discussion in the next few days. For now, you can find out more about Peer Group Chats here.  

Those are some wonderful suggestions too @ShiningStar! Thank you for sharing. For my part, I'm really intrigued by your turtle, which sounds like an amazing and very clever companion, especially in those situations to help restore a sense of calm. May I ask, if you recall, how did you come to acquire your turtle? 😊

[ShiningStar]

Hi @TideisTurning 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 💜

Absolutely 💜 I would love to share a little bit about my turtle with you!

My little turtle is called Tranquil Turtle and my sister actually bought him for me a few years ago to help me with my sleep 💜

Although at first it was a bit of an adjustment knowing that he had been designed especially for little ones, he provides such a beautiful sense of calm and comfort, that I soon put all of that behind me 😊

As far as I know you can purchase him from Myer and online at Amazon 💜 I also think that he may be available from some of the specialist baby stores as well 💜

Unfortunately, uploading photographs isn’t my strong point 🤣 and so I’ve just shared a link to a store in Melbourne that sells him 😊 That way you’ll be able to read a little bit more about some of his features and see how the patterns of the waves radiate from his shell 💜

https://oursensorylife.com.au/products/tranquil-turtle

I hope that this helps you a little bit 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[TideisTurning]

Aww! Tranquil Turtle! What an apt name for the impact it sounds he's had and what he does. I love it! 💙 While he may have been designed initially for little ones, if it helps, then I see no reason not to have the tranquil turtle as another coping tool in your tool box. I feel like there are so many things that were designed for one purpose, but have come to be really useful in other ways, and I for one think that is super duper cool. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us @ShiningStar- I will have more of a look into him soon!

[mamabear88]

@ShiningStar thank you so much for your words.

I do not have any professional help yet I have an appointment next week to set up a mental health plan with my doctor to access some counselling/therapy sessions. So I am definitely looking forward to that 🙂

I have never been pushed to talk about it, my partner knows a lot of it and understands that when I feel ready I'll open up more, he just let me know that he's here and will listen when I feel ready. 

My family mostly don't know the extend of the trauma, I mentioned some things to my brother as he's lived pretty much the same abuse from our father, but his way of dealing with his trauma is drugs and alcohol and he is quite disconnected from reality at the moment.

Thank you for your little tips and tricks, I definitely dread the bedtime and actually have insomnia these days... I am doing some meditation and music helps a lot.

I do feel pretty disconnected and out of it after having nightmares or panic attacks, or sometimes I'm just not here, which is quite scary. I'll definitely try your method I'm sure it will help in calming myself and staying grounded. I will also share it with my partner so he can talk me through it if I'm having trouble coping.

I am looking into the blueknot website and I am learning a lot.

I love that turtle it sounds amazing and very calming. I'll look into it.

It is good to feel heard and realise that we are not alone. Navigating through life while coping with the issues feels rather lonely and hearing positive stories and helpful reminders and such is really helpful. Brings me a lot of hope!

My doctor thinks I should get some antidepressants but I am quite stressed about it. As I mentioned I've witnessed a lot of substance abuse and my brother was on antidepressants too he ended up in hospital. So I was wondering if you and any experience with any medication? And did it help you in any way? 

Thank you so much 💜

[ShiningStar]

Hi @mamabear88 

It’s so lovely to hear from you - I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to be able to reach back to you 💜

It was my pleasure to share some of my experiences with you and I’m so pleased to hear that you feel less alone and a little bit more hopeful 💜

That’s great that your GP has completed a Mental Health Care Plan for you! In my experience, just knowing that help was coming provided me with a glimmer of hope that I’d finally be able to heal some of the things that had happened to me and create a different type of future for myself 💜

With that being said, I just wondered if you’ve been able to schedule an appointment with a Therapist or if this is something that you’re in the process of organising?

Absolutely 💜 Feeling disconnected within ourselves and from the world around us can be incredibly scary and distressing and I’m so sorry to hear that this is something that you experience too 💜

I really love how you’re going to share some of the grounding techniques with your partner so that he can support you when you dissociate and / or experience panic attacks and just from what you’ve shared, he sounds incredibly supportive 💜

Absolutely! Blue Knot have some wonderful resources and the counsellors are always really helpful and supportive too 💜

Oh thank you so much - Tranquil Turtle is pretty cute and helpful 💜 I actually shared a little bit of information about him with @TideisTurning which you’re more than welcome to read through 😊 This particular message is a couple of messages down from your first message and so you’ll just need to scroll down the page a little bit 💜

Although my treating specialists have strongly recommended antidepressant medication, I’ve always felt too scared to take this step and so at this point in time, I’m not currently taking any medications in relation to the mental health conditions that I live with.

As I listened to some of your experiences, I can really appreciate how stressed you’re feeling in relation to this and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if there’s something in particular that’s concerning you about taking medication?

I would love to hear how you’re traveling with everything (if this is something that feels comfortable for you to share 😊) and please know that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need too 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[ShiningStar]

Hi @TideisTurning 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 💜

Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement 💜 It was my pleasure to introduce you to Tranquil Turtle - his name definitely does him justice 😊

Absolutely! There are so many products designed for little ones that can be so valuable for adults too 💜

Although in the beginning I had a few reservations about using him, it didn’t take long before he became a valued member of my ‘pyjama coping tool box’ 💜

That would be great! I would love for you to take a look at him - thank you so much 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜