Lived Experience Forum

[MaryMahem]

Hey.

The fact that I have been single for the last 26 of my 45 BPD years fills me with sadness for the life I could have led and the life I will never lead.  I am not single by choice and cannot seem to create even the most fleeting interest in another person.  It is like i have a force field around me that repels others, though I can make paltonic, female friends if I i try.

The thought of remaining this lonely (friends can only fill the void so much) forever makes it hard to keep going.

What are your thoughts, tips or experiences being single with a MI (or multiple MI)?  I would love to hear positive or negative views as anything may be helpful at this point.

[Queenie]

I'm not single now @MaryMahem, but previously to two years ago, I was single for a very long time. Yes, the loneliness can be crushing and I found it hard to make decent friends too (I must have had that forcefield around me too). I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone, it's just a matter of finding them. I tried internet dating, I tried support groups, everything really. I was ready to give up and be a spinster for the rest of my days. Then I found my best friend. This past June, I married her. So yes, it is possible.

I have extremely complex MI which can make real-life relationships with me very difficult. She has stuck by me all through the ups and downs, even me being in hospital for months on end, she was there, visiting every single day. 

Your 'special person' is out there, somewhere. Don't give up just yet. When they come along, they will see through your forcefield too.

[frog]

Hi @MaryMahem I liked your post because I feel similar. It has been so long that I don't know where to start in terms of meeting people. Sometimes I am too busy to think about it, but when I pause the loneliness is there. Thinking of you.

[greenpea]

@MaryMahem Hi MaryMahem I LOVE being single!!! Been divorced now three years .... I think ... and the freedom I have now is fantastic. No longer do I have to put up with a snoring partner in my bed. Wash his dirty socks and jocks. Cook for him ... I just cook for myself and my kidults.

I am FREE! I don't feel lonely just alone and that's okay believe me having a partner is hard work and then when they want it and you don't .... well I don't have to worry about that ever again. I would never want a partner again. 

I forgot to mention you are free to get as fat as you like and wear what you like because you don't have to impress anyone but yourself! Yay!!!

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @MaryMahem,

I am 40 years old and I've never had a romantic relationship except for a confusing abuse thing when I was a young teenager (I was 14 and my "partner" was a 32 year old youth group leader at the church I attended). I super struggled through my 20s as I saw people my age move through the typical stages of relationship, having kids etc. However, now the whole concept of a romantic relationship is so beyond me, I don't have any sense of wanting one. I would super like to have a family of origin (i.e. parents and/or siblings), but I have no sense of what a romantic relationship is even like. I recognise that I am very much coming to terms with the reality that a close interpersonal relationship is simply never going to be a part of my world. I'm not sure that that is even remotely helpful for you, but it's where I'm at these days. 

[greenpea]

@Phoenix_Rising Big hugs to you Phoenix_Rising.

[Phoenix_Rising]

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@greenpea wrote:

@Phoenix_Rising Big hugs to you Phoenix_Rising.

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@greenpea hugs aren't really my thing except for with people I feel superly duperly safe with, but I super appreciate the sentiment. 

[Louise91]

Hi there,
@MaryMahem 
I completely relate to this! I'm 32 and for the past 8 years I have tried online dating and have such little results from it. I have had the rare short term relationship but even the last 10 first dates I went on all the men rejected me. I even have guy mates rejecting me before i have even insinuated interest, this has definitely been apparent in the last year as my mental health/appearance has declined It's hard feeling like the thing I want so much and is normal to others will most likely not happen, I can't even get past initial interest. 
I feel like no one around me relates as they establish healthy relationships and also I'm loosing my hair from PCOS which makes me feel even more unattractive. I'm not sure where to start with recovery as Im not able to take time off work to do the programs and I feel i'm getting worse the more I get rejected. 
I would love to message if you like, having others that can relate makes us feel less alone. I understand wanting a life that hasn't happened, I feel i'm grieving that but I remind myself that I can still have great experiences and friendships around me and that's all i can really control. Even having the goals of working on physical/mental health and just meeting new people/having fun experiences with friends would be something i can achieve this year. I think focusing on the things we can control is a great way of going about it and putting ourselves in social situations to open up as many possibilities as possible. I know it's hard when we feel we are lacking motivation but it can definitely be positive. 
Please feel free to message me would love to chat!

[hanami]

Hi @Louise91 

Welcome to the forums, it's great to have you here! Thank you for sharing your story with us, sounds like things have been tough for you. I have a friend with PCOS and they've fortunately had success with taking hormones to balance it out. It must be so hard thought dealing with that.

I do think it's so great you're trying hard to focus on what you CAN control. I think that is so helpful. If you ever feel like a more one on one approach to support you could reach out to our drop-in counselling line (email, phone, or webchat). Here are the details https://www.sane.org/get-support/drop-in-service. 

Warmest wishes

Hanami

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Louise91,

I just wanted to welcome you to the SANE forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers. It is really nice to have you with us and I think it is really lovely that you have shared a bit of your story to help support another member. That is one of the really good things about these forums - being able to connect and share with peers around things that are close to our heart.

I sorry to read things are challenging for you around dating. It does sound like dating is really hard these days (I'm a bit older than you so dating is off my radar) but I would imagine it would be very tricky to navigate in this day and age.

I'm also sorry to read how tough things are for you with PCOS. I really do hope you are able to access the support and help you need soon. PCOS sounds really challenging to live with and I am glad it is getting more attention and awareness in the media because I think (hope) that it helps people that do suffer from PCOS to feel more supported and understood by others.

Thanks again for your post and I look forward to seeing you on the Forums.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather