Over the last several months, I have been battling severe depression and anxiety for which I am seeking treatment from a local psychologist.
My story begins with me starting my law degree in July 2014 and completing it in November 2018: a hard slog for which I hope would pay off, except that it doesn’t appear to have done so. I can say after finishing that it was not for the faint-hearted. Throughout the last two years of my degree there was the occasional anxiety and stress about what life would hold for me after Uni but most of my time was occupied by my studies and a decent social life.
In February 2019 I secured and accepted a job at an immigration law firm as an assistant to the lawyer. The job started off perfectly, but I realised soon enough that I had joined a toxic workplace controlled by a kind-hearted but difficult boss with an alarmingly high turnover rate for a small business. In an effort to make a good impression and more importantly for me personally, namely impressing my Greek-Australian parents and avoiding their disappointment, for many months I ‘put up’ with and ‘sucked up’ the constant unhappiness and frustration I was feeling. Needless to say, the nature of the workplace and stress it was causing me as someone new to the permanent workforce (I had various temp jobs whilst at Uni) started leading to mistakes and poor performance which led me being more and more frustrated at myself. My cause was not helped by the fact that I came to not enjoy the work the firm was predominately doing: visa applications .
Things came to a head 7 months into the job when I was ‘summoned’ to a meeting with my boss and his ‘wife’ where my intuition told me that I was about to be given a performance warning. My boss told me to ‘bring a witness’. I had already resolved to leave the organisation by the commencement of summer, but I realised that my time there was up already. I decided that at that meeting I would offer my resignation gracefully and offer nothing but my best wishes. My resignation was accepted and I was grateful to be exiting on good terms with my boss and his wife. I can confidently say that had I accepted the warning my performance would not have improved and would likely have been dismissed in due course: an outcome which would have produced a worse outcome for my mental health. I do not regret my action to leave a ‘secure’ job in a weakening economy for one moment.
The hardest aspect of my decision was the fact that I had to make it whilst my parents and brother were overseas. From memory I only discussed it with one close friend and that is it. The consequences of my actions came home to roost for me 2 weeks after my resignation when my parents arrived back from their European vacation: they were furious and ‘disappointed’ in me. I calmly tried to explain my decision but do accept the fact that I did not say anything about problems I was having did contribute to their surprise and anger. I accept responsibility for that and did not say anything further after I was ‘pulled into line’ one night for having a whinge about my boss before I resigned. For the next week I copped nothing but abuse and belittling from them until I was able to escape on a 2 week trip to Sydney, Brisbane and Canberra. The trip was a welcome rest bite to think about what was next and focus on my Practical Legal Training course that law graduates normally undertake to be admitted as a lawyer. The trip provided me a bit of breathing space.
My troubles again flared up when I arrived home: from mid-October to mid-November I slowly became more ‘idle’ and was struggling to even complete my PLT coursework let alone apply for any jobs. Things eventually came to a head again on November 13th when my Dad confronted me about my trajectory and ‘attitude’. I told him something that I had hidden from the family for years: that I am gay. I stayed in the closet for many years because I have dreaded the thought of telling my mother who is a conservative religious woman. I was lucky to have my Dad’s confidence and acceptance: he concurred with me that telling Mum was not a wise idea. Mum was also vulnerable to mental illness as a consequence of a kidney transplant she received in 2017. I did not want to add to her pain in anyway.
As we headed towards late November things had only deteriorated for me mentally: I was well and truly feeling ill-disciplined, worthless and full of self-loathing with occasional thoughts about the peace that death would create. I found it impossible to focus on my PLT work. It was then that I realised that I had to act, and had to do so AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I was fortunate to receive a referral from our family doctor to a local psychologist who I have seen twice since late November. She has said that I most likely suffer from anxiety, depression and a borderline personality disorder. So far she has not recommended any drugs or medication. Whilst it is nice to have that closure and knowledge, I am starting to fear for the future and my direction in life: I am heavily turned off from the legal profession. I do have political contacts but they have become limited in recent times due to my penchant of being anti-social. I also do have substantial savings which I would like to use to purchase a property of my own one day and move out of the family nest, with it being Greek tradition to stay at home until marriage. But I know that before all of that can occur I need to conquer these demons.
Thankyou for taking the time to read my story.
