Lived Experience Forum

[MDT]

Hi forumites 

There is so much on my mind and so I need to type it out in order to move forward in life.

The past week has been intense in terms of emotions. Last weekend I hung out with my partner and we decided that it was going to work. Well we already had a bad exchange of messages 2 days ago. Sunday we are meeting and I am hoping it all gets clarified. I think it was an over reaction to my text. But I realsied too that I was worried of things developing too quickly. I think there is a lot of emotion that needs to be expanded and spoken about. Neither of us are interested in stupid games but I get the vibe that she wants me to available 24 7 for her. But again maybe I am being unrealistic with that interpretation. 

All I know is that I need to state my intentions, my struggles, my issues. I want to hear from her. In her own words. I need to find out if she was mistreated in the past because I fear she may expect me to treat her the same - which I will not do !

Maybe her work is catching up with her and its taking its toll. It could all go south on Sunday. Or it could all go well.  Idk. 

I just want to be open and honest. I want to talk about my struggles too. At the moment I feel it's one way... I want to find out if any of the interactions we've had so far are actually genuine or fake. I had to get a secaul health check and I get the results today. I think this has also thrown me about a bit.. I hope I haven't got anything. 

This morning I woke up and felt like I would never be better again. I contemplated hospital as it felt like this was the only place I could go to get any reprieve. 

I have decided that it is an option if I need it. No doubts there. But that if I went today and stayed then I miss out on some things which are planned. I also think I'd get bored. 

Yesterday I received some good news about a job - I got to the next level and so the next stage is next week. I am unsure if I can manage the role as the hours are long. But I am going to see how far I get through the recruitment stages. 

I have decided that all the things on the job front are now done. So if I don't get any of the current roles then I will travel. I will take it as a sign from the universe that it is time to do this. 

I think my dad is still cheating. Long ago he joined a gay app and I believe he has tried to keep this secret. I raised it with mum years ago and she said nothing to him. Idk. It's not my issue in the end. But it just plagues my brain a lot. 

Coming to terms with trauma from my past (religious indoctrination) has been tough. Also the emotional abuse I suffered while I was there. It made me behave in such a way that wasn't who I really was. This traumatic experience has impacted me heavily. 

My current work placement is given me the sh*ts. I feel ignored. I'm gonna message my manager and say I am taking this next week off. I think also too because it is online and 

In terms of study abroad - I am tossing up if it's for me. The idea of being stuck in crazy living conditions in another country with people younger than me doesn't appeal to me. But in another light it really does. I need to come up with an action plan on that one and do so fast as deadlines are coming in. 

I need to stop ruminating over past experiences. Whether these are good or bad. 

That's all I can think of now. 

I feel really crappy this morning. But listing things out has helped.

I will go and get a coffee and then come back and do whatever tasks I need to do. 

[BlueBay]

i am hearing you my friend @MDT 

you have so much on your mind - what to do? where to go?

you know what - i think have this conversation with your partner, and hopefully she will be open with you too.  I know it's hard to have these kind of conversations (boy i know!!) but i think it is better for you.

And another thing - i know you're the same age as one of my boys.  i say go overseas and enjoy yourself.  Travel if that is what you want to do.  you can work over there in whatever field you find.  it would be amazing.  i am so envious of my son travelling and working o/s.  i would say to you - just do it!!  you never know what can come out of it??

you have so much playing on your mind it must be hard to 'shut your mind down'.  i understand that too.

i really hope the next step of your job application goes really well.  You deserve to be happy and do whatever your heart desires.  Dream big and you will achieve!!!    

take care my awesome friend xxxooo

[hanami]

Hi @MDT 

I'm glad that listing all the things that are bothering you has helped you somewhat. That must be tough about your suspicions about your dad. I guess that dilemma is out of your control.

What's great is your progression to the next level of recruitment. Even if you decide not to take the job it will be an achievement in itself to get as far as you have. 

I hope things work out how you want with your relationship and your current work placement. I'm sure you'll do a good job of working it all out. 

Sending positive wishes

Hanami

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @MDT,

Sounds like you have had a lot going on lately. It also sounds like you have a lot of your mind. I totally understand why you may feel overwhelmed.  I think it's great that you have typed it out and shared it with us. Sometimes seeing things just written down helps in unpacking our thoughts and emotions. It's also good to read what we write and reflect upon it.

I also think it's great you are meeting up with your partner to have a conversation. I think so many things get lost in translate via texting/messaging. It's easy to `read' more into what some else has written in a message, overthink a message, take a message the wrong way etc. Messaging is great and has it's place but I think when people are talking about important things it's good to do it in person - the communication is easier when you can see a person's reaction, body language, confusion on someone's face, etc. 

It's great that you are going to be transparent with your partner and speak your truth. I also think it's a great idea to know what you want and don't want from a relationship. Whenever I have this type of discussion (e.g. relations with family/friendships) I like to think what are my non-negotiattbles in terms of what I want/expect from the relationship. 

Reading your post I can see you have a great ability to self-reflect. You seem to be very insightful when it comes to yourself and others. When you mention your concerns with your dad it reminds me of myself. What i mean by this is when I feel someone is doing something that doesn't sit well with me/is questionable I used to always what to call them to task about it. As I've gotten older I've learnt that everything isn't my responsibility and it's not my job to fix it all. I get why it would plague your brain a lot but I also think it's okay to give yourself permission to not let it be your problem. If I worried about everyone's issues in my life I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning!

I wish you all the best on the job front / study front. I'm also a believer in signs from the universe and to have faith in your instincts.

I hope the day and week ahead is kind to you.

Take care and best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[StuF]

@MDT 

What @BlueBay said

I gotta be brief for now, but I totally second the travel recommendation. Might be tricky depending where the conversation with you partner goes, but I would totally be preparing to get away somewhere

Wishing you all the best with all of it 🙂

[MDT]

Hey @BlueBay that is a very kind and wise message you sent me

Thanks so much for it!

You know I think today of all days I have seen something that made me laugh

I was at the coffee shop. I was there drinking and the postie came by on the bike and asked the staff "is this where I get the best coffee in town?" and the staff said "no thats up the road"
Everyone laughed.

It was a genuine moment.

Sunday will be key I think. I need to go in there with a good mindset I reckon.

I need to feel listened to.

[MDT]

hi @hanami
I had that experience recently actually. I got to level 2 of a 4 level process.

It was good. Just to get to that level.

Yes the suspicions about my dad are there. It is what it is and it is beyond my control yes.

You are very kind to support me so thank you for it

[MDT]

Indeed @FloatingFeather
It has definitely helped.
Typing it out physically makes me feel like it has exited my brain. It is a relief.

Thanks for your insight and support !

[MDT]

Hey @StuF hows stuff?

Thanks for that. Yes. Definitely gonna look in to it more. I think it's best.

Thanks for your continued support

[hanami]

That's great you achieved that! Go you! 

As for your Dad, well it's tough for sure. I can imagine if I were in your shoes I would be so angry on behalf of your Mum, but what can you do. It's just awful people can live lives of deceipt. Especially those close to us. 

Like you say though, it is what it is. 

Hope you have a nice weekend 😊