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Looking after ourselves

Camilo
New Contributor

Help with my current situation with my wife who suffers from depression

I dont want to make this post too long, but I am a bit lost and want some other people here that might guide or help if possible. I met my wife during covid, long distance relationship, she finally had her visa approved in Jan 24 and came here. She has depression, which I already knew, however, when I visited her a couple of times before and we met we had a sort of regular couple's life, with intimacy and whatnot. However, ever since she is been here we have no intimacy, and living together of course is different, there is also no affection from her.

 

She says is because she wasnt feeling as sad as how she feels here, which makes me feel horrible cause I think is my fault. She also said intimacy with me is not pleasurable, which according to her is nothing personal, is just that she doesnt feel desire at all. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but what she said was very hurtful.

 

Besides, she says I do not understand her nor she feels she can talk to me cause I have a very cold approach to what she says. I understand that, and I told her is just the way I am, is not that I dont care but also in this case sometimes I dont want to say or do the wrong thing, cause it has happened, so I have decided to listen and just not say anything if I dont think is going to be for good. I have never experienced living with or having a relationship with someone with depression, and of course the lack of intimacy has been an issue for me, but I have tried to accomodate.

 

She says if we reset everything and sort of begin as friends while she takes care of herself maybe things will develop naturally. I am not sure what to do, I dont know if she is being honest, depressed or not, or she is just buying time until she gets PR. I have read and know that depression does cause a lot of things, but I am just not sure how to handle the situation. I feel I am also being affected by my overthinking a lot of stuff that probably isnt there and I need help. She has gone to therapy but stopped due to financial issues, I have persuaded her to go back, since I could see it was helping, but I dont want to push her too much, so I desperately need guidance in what can I do to improve as a husband, and also remain in good mental health in the process because its a bit too much sometimes. I just want to know if someone has been in the same boat, and know of a good online or offline support group for people like me.

 

Thanks in advance to everyone

1 REPLY 1

Re: Help with my current situation with my wife who suffers from depression

Hi @Camilo 

 

Welcome to the SANE forums. I know how hard it can be to write such personal information on a forum to people you don't know, so well done on reaching out here. I hope you find the support you are looking for.

 

I'm sorry to hear that both you and your wife are having such a hard time at the moment.  I can hear how much you love and care for her and also how deeply her condition and actions are affecting you.

 

Depression can affect everyone so differently, and if she is taking any medication this can also affect libido etc as well.  Its a great start that she has decided to go back to therapy, especially if you noticed a difference in her when she was having appointments before.  I hope that this continues when these recommence. 

 

Everyone communicates differently, and your "cold approach" to what she says is just your way of taking on board what she is saying and processing the information.  I think its important that you are both able to communicate with each other in a way that is not harmful to the other... walking on eggshells with your wife is not a great way to be...are you able to talk with here an find a way of communicating with each other that works for the two of you?  This could be through writing things down and saying them out loud to each other, or through notes etc, just so you are able to get what you need across to the other person.

 

Overthinking in these types of situations is understandable... when I notice that I am overthinking I find it helps me to write down everything I am worrying about so it doesn't just stay in my head.  It give me the ability to put a bit of space between myself and the thoughts and to be able to focus more on the present. As you said your mental health is very important in this too, do you have any self care practices that you do or have done in the past that you find help you when things start to become a bit overwhelming or you notice that you are overthinking?

 

MensLine is another service that may be of benefit to you.  There are some good resources on their website and they also have a counselling service that you can access for free. You can check them out here: https://mensline.org.au/

 

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

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