Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SJT63]

@HoneyOne no problem.

Sometimes I need to be told to pull my head in. The reason I do my whinging on here is because I don't want everyone else I know to get sick of me whinging all the time, which is what happened when my first marriage disolved 16 years ago. Also, I kinda don't want them to know what home has been like since May. However, I think a corner has finally been turned.

I am often accused of being too negative.

So I will tag some other when I want to have a whinge and tag you when I have something else to share.

Stay strong. xoxoxo

[HoneyOne]

Hi @SJT63 

I'm sorry if I touched a nerve.

I have a tendency to push people away when it all gets too much.

I hope things continue to improve on your end.

So some good news here:

- I've signed up to do a virtual workshop (5 session over 5 weeks, 2.5 hours per session, 10 participants) with a lady who looks to be a thought leader in abandonment. She's in the US, the sessions start 3am local time but I'm doing it anyway.

- I went to a jaw physio yesterday (he started his career as a dentist) and we working through some of the postural issues I've been having for over a decade! I have exercises to do at my desk. Super exciting!

- I'm actually seated and working at my desk for hours at a time. Like a regular working person. Still a bit distracted but getting some stuff done.

- I went to a support group for carers of MI and the facilitator had a bunch of great tips.

First tip, start conversations with a complement. Talk about them then segway to talking about you.

Second tip, when it gets too much. Say 'I love you, then give a reason to leave that is no judgemental and non confrontational and makes it about you. eg I need to have some time away to think about things so I come up with something wonderful for us to think about for our future..... something like that. 

How are you going lovely one?

xx

[SJT63]

@HoneyOne my dentist has done wonders for my TMJ. I go in every 3 months (or sooner if my teeth start aching again - or longer if all is ok) and he does an occlusion adjustment - he shifts the load points where I clench. I still crack and creak a bit if I open my mouth really wide, but I'm not waking up at night in pain at the moment.

Work is stupid busy - I have such a lot of trouble keeping my boys focussed and working... it's like they couldn't give a brass razoo about deadlines - which of course they don't because they don't answer the phone. Bloody engineers!

Too many layers of overseers these days - too many box tickers - I hate project managers almost as much as I hate the people from the water board, or building certifiers - and don't get me started on architects!

I heard from my baby girl in England last night, who says she is out and about much more than I would be comfortable with if she told me, but she and her fella are both still safe and taking precautions. 

I have gotten up in the middle of the night to do millinery courses before. I also get up in the middle of the night when himself wants to go fly the model aeroplanes. Sunday we got up at 1:30 to get him on the road by 3am. It's a 2 hour drive to the field and the best air is at dawn. It plays merry hell with my sleeping pattern, but not as much as when he was waking me up every 2 hours to vent about something he'd been stewing over. Small mercies.

So I think we are emerging from under the storm clouds thanks to Dr S's new pill. I now remember why I'm here. Now that the bipolar is settling and things that are just personality are showing up, unlike you, I know this is the right place to be and that he is what I need and want. When we first met it was, for both of us, like finally being given permission to be ourselves warts and all. When we first met I had never laughed so much in my whole life and never had such good sex, and he'd never been given "permission to be messy" or been with anyone that could cook better than his mum.

We will definitely make it - but I'm probably 25 ish years older than you. I don't know whether I would choose to have children with him, given a choice, because of the instability. I kinda get why the wife left with a toddler and a new-born - but it wasn't until after the breakup that he got a diagnosis and his family all say that his problems only kicked into gear in a big way after that. Who knows. Mum says she'd actually seen her get physical with him...

Mark and I work because I am so conciliatory. If I were the type to bite back it might be a different story. But our world view is so similar and our skills compliment each other and his parents love me. My first husband's mother refered to me (in front of me) as "the Protestant word the forums won't let me say but means woman of loose morals" for years. In the end, it was me she turned to for comfort when her husband died while her own daughter wouldn't visit. After she got dimentia, she said to her sister one day "I don't know who that fat woman is with Marcus but I really like her".  I have always said you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

It is not possible to segue a conversation with Mark.. aspy... he's like a dog with a bone. He, however, is an expert at the hijak. He is very cute though.

Love S x

[WinstonOBoogie]

@SJT63 and @HoneyOne 

Hi to you both. 

I have been on my own awful soul destroying journey with my own partner who is now on new meds and slowly slowly becoming her 'normal' self again. Has been a long and arduous road to say the least. I even left our home as I couldn't deal with the overt anger, shouting, name calling etc.

We went away to a remote place by a beach which was healing. Out of 14 nights there were two terrible ones...where her drinking brought up all the issues and her resentment and anger came to the boil. When angry....it starts with her telling me (in chronological order..everything I have ever done wrong...every mistake...When she does this...I feel my love for her lessen...I resent her and wish I had never met her. I know life would be so much easier without her.

We are sleeping in separate rooms which I am ok with. We have a common goal of buying some land and a shed home which has provided us a shared goal and focus. She has said she doesn't trust me...not attracted to me anymore etc which cuts deep. I keep telling myself it's not really her..it's the anger talking. I have learnt to NOT sit and cop verbal abuse and now will walk away if it starts. I will not let that kind of (verbal) violence be accepted.

We both are willing to go to couples counselling in order to reconnect..regain trust and intimacy etc.

My close friends have said most men would have walked away ages ago but deep down I still love her and will do all I can to make it great again. Will I ever forgive her for the nasty things she has said...names she has called me and the way she has treated me ? I like to think I am a bigger man than to let that gnaw at me. I am a very loving, loyal and forgiving person. I guess we shall see what the universe has in store for both of us.

I haven't seen any words from either of you on this dialogue and sincerely hope you are both well..better than just coping and that the future looks good!

If you could spare a few minutes to write a few words telling me how you are..that would be nice.

Cheers for now

[HoneyOne]

Hi @WinstonOBoogie (& @SJT63 )

I am so sorry to hear you are currently having a tough time. And sorry it's taken me 2 days to get back to you. I know how much of a lifeline a friendly message can be!

So how have things been progressing for me? Well that's a very interesting question.

Things with my partner got a lot worse since the last time I wrote. In summary, he had a whole fight with himself where he told me to leave, when I didn't he shoved all my personal items in a suitcase (aside from an overnight bag I had still packed from a trip), left the apartment with my things and went to stay elsewhere for a few nights before sending my things to my mother's house in Brisbane.

The next day, we had a session with the couples counsellor and he spent an hour laying out all the ways I had wronged him.

I'll bring you back to my initial statement, which was he had a whole fight with himself.

So that's been an interesting development....

What's of most interest is, I was able to restrain myself from getting into the argument with him. I stayed completely neutral. I didn't argue but I also didn't sooth him.

I've been working with a therapist doing a technique called EMDR. And I'm getting some good results. 

My partner and I had been stuck in a cycle of fighting. I think the fighting provides him some relief in that it's attention.

So I'm growing personally. Which is a great positive.

I have two counselling sessions tomorrow. One is with a councillor specialising in helping carers of people with mental illness.

My partner has increased some of his medication. He's getting a root canal to remove the infection tomorrow.

Best of all, after this latest HUGE fight, we have been able to sit down and talk and write about some aspects of our relationship.

The communication has improved.

As with these things, I can't dictate what he does. I can influence but that's all.

However I can absolutely look at myself in this relationship and see how I'm showing up and what is working for me and what is not.

I know it's really tough but I feel like all us 'carers' are somehow drawn to this situation. So what is that we are hear to learn??

How are things for you now? I'm really sorry that your holiday and life plans have been pooed on.

xx

[SJT63]

@HoneyOne @WinstonOBoogie 

So thrilled to log in and see messages from you both. Too tired to write now but will tomorrow xxxx

[SJT63]

@WinstonOBoogie 

So sorry to hear how awful life has been. I hear you loud and clear. I am amazed at what a different Mr’s new meds have finally made after incremental increases in dosage until we found the happy medium.

According to my spreadsheets he is now angry only about 12% of the time (our normal) instead of 45%. He had a massive tanty this morning because the water bottle beside his bed was empty, after waking me up just before 5am for rumpy and then storming out without it… but that is our normal, everything will be fine again for several days now.

You absolutely have to let go of the name calling and accusations or it won’t work. I know how very very very hard that is. I’m still a bit angry about this morning and will have to work hard at being “normal” when I get home tonight.

I also understand about the resentment when I have turned my whole life and house upside down to accommodate him and his sons who are now with us about 4 nights a week since the big one got a license. I moved my sewing workshop into the small third bedroom so he could have my workshop for his model planes… and then when he can’t find something he criticizes the space for not being big enough. It’s a whole garage!

If I couldn’t let that stuff go I wouldn’t still be here.

He is also finally booked into a psychologist. The one his prescribing psychiatrist referred him to, who he saw about 10 years ago, was going to be too expensive and is a long way away. I have given him mine, who is local and very good (I’ve seen her on and off since my last partner died) and so I won’t see her any more but she willing to bulk bill him. Also, the other one couldn’t see him until next February, but he will start in two weeks’ time with my wonderful Amanda.

My mental health will be benefited knowing he is talking to someone I have absolute trust in.

I’m a bit jelly that you’re allowed to sleep in separate rooms as Mr wakes me up 3 or 4 times a night. Not deliberately, but he comes to bed late and eats, sleeps for a bit, then gets up for a bit.. lather, rinse, repeat. Or I just wake up because he’s cold and has turned the fan off so I get too hot. Now the wake ups are accidental, which is so much better than when he was waking me up just to chastise me about something, but still pretty disruptive.

Actually, now that I talk about it, I find I am actually pretty resentful of a lot of stuff today…… but that’s because we had a bad start. If we’d had a good start my mind wouldn’t be dwelling on the bad stuff.

@HoneyOne the last I heard you had decided to definitly move on and come home. I had assumed all these weeks that you were back in the sunshine and picking up the pieces of your broken heart. You were so adamant that you couldn't hang on any longer.

I'm happy for you that you have seen a way through and that things might be working out.

You are both better than me at not listening to the abuse. I get too scared to walk away sometimes, but as I said, there's not much of it lately. 

He turns 60 in a week and a half and we can finally go down and see his mum and sister. They used to be my safe place where I would bolt for a night if I needed to before Covid. I'm more excited about it than he is. I've bought him a massive telescope for his birthday and the boys are going to pick it up for me this week. He gave me a theramin for mine (best and biggest present I've ever gotten from anyone ever) so I kinda needed to match it. Usually I just make him something but a proper telescope is something he's always wanted.

So yeah, I'm ok. It seem Honey is okish too, so Winston our good vibes go out to you. Stay strong.

Much Love,

S

[WinstonOBoogie]

Hi SJT63
My partner has been okay since about December. She wanted acreage away from everything so we bought a place about 6 hours away from the city. The move was exhausting and after 8 weeks she is hitting the wall. Has had painful frozen shoulder so can't garden or anything..and I am in the city in a rental during the week for work.
Last weekend was bad..last night worse. The name calling has started again..blaming me for everything and actually threw something at me that hurt. I walked away to get some space and came back to locked doors and lights out. Thankfully there is a space here with a bed so I could sleep..or try to.
Been sitting on balcony for hours with my dogs waiting for her to get up but she is still in bed. I took her some water and she glared at me and rolled over.
So...I am so very sad that our once lovely relationship has come to this. My psych suggested she has BPD and I believe she has.
We have friends up here...no family..she hasn't been able to go out and make a friend so she is very very down. I just wish wouldn't drag me down with her.
I feel yery lost.

[Basil]

Hi @WinstonOBoogie,

I'm sorry to hear the pain you are going through in supporting your partner. Even when our loved ones with complex mental health may well be doing the best they can, some behaviours (such as throwing objects at us and name calling) are not ok. It is important for those providing support to know what their own limits are and to make sure they are caring for their own wellbeing and keeping themselves safe too.

Please feel free to reach out to the SANE Helpcentre during the week if you would like some support and further information on carer supports.

Warmest, 

Basil.

[WinstonOBoogie]

Basil,

Thank you for taking the time to write to my post.

She is awake now and up inside the house..ignoring me as I sit here.

My company is my 2 lovely dogs and my cat on my lap. Sadly last night they were trembling at her screaming.

I will pick a moment and try talk to her though don't think that will go well. Last night she said she hates me..can't bear the site of me...I tell myself it's the illness talking but regardless...it is soul destroying.

I admit I am feeling numb and lost.